A Quick Note.

Hi friends!

I'll be taking a blogging break for the rest of October (so basically, for a week). I've had a busy few weeks lately and the idea of keeping up with my blog has felt overwhelming, so instead of trying to force it, I'm letting go of the 'responsibility' and coming back fresh on November 1st.

See you then!

Looking for a Fight.

{♥}

I'm the type of person who analyzes everything and wants an answer to - or at least a reason for - everything that happens in my life.

Sometimes I'm actually good at it. If I think, write, or talk about something for long enough, I can figure out the root of my problems. Other times, though, I just get stuck.

One thing that's been bugging me lately has been why I can't graciously accept compliments or gratitude. I'm aware that much of the reason is because my family life is based on sarcasm and witty comments as opposed to displays of love, gratitude, and kindness (of which I am completely accepting; it's just the dynamic that works for us). Because I never received a ton of genuine praise or thanks, I can't adequately cope with them.

Maybe it's not so much that I can't understand my inability to accept them. It's more about why I feel the need to dismiss them.

These past two weekends, I did a bunch of stuff for my boyfriend's birthday - I threw him a party, which included baking cupcakes and taking care of all of our guests; I got him (two inexpensive) gifts even though we'd agreed I wouldn't; and I took him out to dinner. It seems like a lot, and probably is a lot, but because they were all things I wanted to do for him, it didn't feel like a big deal.

He thanked me many, many times for all of this. In one specific conversation over text, he said that I did so much for him and he hoped he could repay me when my birthday rolls around. My response? It really wasn't that much, this is normal for me. I even wanted to say not to worry about going to all the trouble for my birthday.

This happens with any major compliments as well. My inner mean girl is probably to blame for a lot of it, because according to her, the things I do aren't that great and neither am I as a person. But there are times when I obsess over the things I do for others and acknowledge that I deserve gratitude, to the point where I get upset that I don't receive more of it; yet when I actually get it, I refuse it.

Katie recently blogged about putting herself first and said this about how she habitually picks up the tab when out with friends:

Maybe part of me wants them to fight me back and insist that they contribute because I’m worth it.

When I read this, it made immediate sense in my head because this is my motivation for self-deprecating comments. I dismiss compliments and gratitude because I'm challenging someone to fight back and truly insist that I deserve the original praise. When they don't (and they usually don't), the nasty voice inside my head convinces me that the original praise was just that person being nice and issuing an obligatory compliment/thanks. Basically, I won't believe someone is truly grateful or issuing an honest compliment unless they argue with me when I brush it off.

Well then. I suppose I figured out the 'why' for this issue. Now comes the hard part of figuring out how I overcome this issue.

Special Birthday.

Today (by which I mean Sunday, because I accidentally posted on Saturday night) is a special day because it’s E’s birthday.

My fave picture of him, with my brother at Easter.

(While I’m at it, I may as well drop the ‘nickname’ considering I don’t think it’s an issue anymore – his actual name is Erik. Clearly, I’m super creative with my nicknames.)

I joked that he’s officially old, but he pointed out that that makes me really old, so I dropped it. In honor of his birthday, I want to share with you an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote on our six-month-versary. I got into this habit of writing ‘letters’ to him every once in a while (that he hasn’t read), so that’s why it’s written as if addressed to him. This piece is one I constantly go back to that so accurately describes how I feel about him and this relationship.

"When we started talking, I was broken. I had just begun to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to put them back, all the while having to plaster on a grin and pretend everything was in order. Yes, I had my friends holding me up, but they were busy with their own lives. To be 100% honest with you, I felt a little helpless.

Most of all, though, I was at a point where I thought nobody was going to love me like this. And I worried that, even if I put myself back together the best I could, the cracks were going to stay and keep people away. My health and anxiety problems - even if I "fix" them - will likely always rear their ugly heads every once in a while, and it's scary to think about facing that alone for the rest of your life.

You proved me wrong. You proved me wrong at a time when I really needed to be proven wrong. You were the first person who didn't make a big deal out of my problems or judge me for them. You pushed them aside and found the true me underneath. I feel like others look at me and start thinking 'health problems, anxiety, no job, burdening her parents' - you saw through all of that and just saw me.

As much as I love you for all of that, don't think it's the only reason. I love you for all that you are - the charming, outgoing person who makes friends wherever he goes; the goofy, silly person who comes up with stupid jokes (that I laugh at anyway); the kind-hearted, caring person who listens to my crazy thoughts and gives me advice."

It’s incredibly sappy, I know, but it’s the honest truth. That’s why I can’t help doing all these celebratory things for his birthday. He’s so important in my life and I’m pouring all of my love into things – his party, our dinner out, and gifts – so that he understands that fact. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say he’s the lucky one here, but it’s really and truly me, I promise you that.

Happy birthday, love. ♥

Birthday Bash.

Hello and happy Friday!

My mind's been all over the place this week, which is why this little space has been quiet. I do, however, want to share with you a few pictures from E's birthday bash last weekend! It ended up being a smaller crowd - mostly his group of friends, since mine couldn't attend (though I did have a lovely dinner with Katie before the party began).

I was grateful for the smaller crowd and also that a few of the guests weren't super into drinking; it lessened the potential for someone to get crazy drunk, sick, or a combination of the two. Still, it was an incredibly fun and relatively crazy party. There was lots of laughter and lighthearted competition. The party started at 8pm and went until around 4am, so you can imagine the state that most of us were in by then.

But enough chatter - onto the pictures!

 The two pictures with E are from the very end of the night, when he kept drunkenly insisting that I kiss him while the picture was taken. I protested; we compromised. The middle picture is of the girls - E's roommate's girlfriend, me, and E's hometown friend's girlfriend.

We were playing Kings, and for those who've never played, just know that someone draws a card every turn and then has to slip it under the tab of a beer - whoever pops the tab has to drink it. E taunted me (and everyone else) the whole game, yet popped the tab all three times. In that last photo, we're laughing hysterically at something E did, though I can't specifically remember what.

 

And then he got a cupcake to the face, as is appropriate.

His birthday actually isn't until Sunday, so I'm taking him on a semi-fancy dinner date Saturday night. This was supposed to be in lieu of gifts, but I picked up a few gifts for him as well (that he already received, because I'm an impatient gift-giver).

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Ten on Tuesday [Vol. 40].

My homemade penne a la vodka.

1. Red Sauce or White Sauce?
Hm, hard choice. Let's go with white sauce.

2. Do you prefer pasta you can twirl or stab?
Twirl, definitely.

3. Baked or boiled?
Boiled. Baked isn't bad, but in my experience I've had a lot of dishes where baking it makes some of the pasta dry out and it's no bueno.

4. Do you like meat in your sauce or do you kick it vegetarian style?
No meat. I mean, I don't particularly mind if there is, but I prefer a smooth sauce with minimal chunky ingredients, of which meat is one.

5. Where have you had your very best pasta ever?
I can't really say. I've never had any that particularly stands out, but any place that serves a good penne a la vodka has a place in my heart.

6. What is your favorite pasta dish?
Penne a la vodka. I could eat it forever.

7. Do you serve meatballs when you make spaghetti or just do a meat sauce?
Meatballs, specifically turkey meatballs because I'm not the biggest fan of ground beef.

8. Why type (rice, whole wheat, egg, etc) of noodles do you use?
Just your regular white pasta most of the time. We have egg noodles with chicken soup and I sometimes order rice noodles when I get Chinese take-out, but I can't get myself to like whole wheat pasta because of its consistency.

9. What type of meats or vegetables do you put in your sauce?
I really prefer not having anything in my sauce. Mushrooms are usually the only thing I don't mind.

10. Do you make a “Sunday gravy” to use throughout the week or do you just open a jar of whatever and heat it up? (No judgment on this one!)
We open up a jar. In our defense, we are not at all Italian, and I feel that making sauce is an Italian-family-tradition type thing. I know full well I could learn how to make some and use it, but I've only ever used jarred sauce.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

Wine and Love [Vol. 11].

hosted by Nora!

Filling my wine glass...

• My allergic reaction at the end of last week. It was so terrible, to the point that I wondered if I'd ever feel better again because it was going away so slowly. Plus, it completely ruined all of my weekend plans, which included a Devils game on Saturday with E and dress shopping with all of the bridesmaids for BFF Wedding #2 on Sunday. Such a bummer.
• Chipped nail polish. It's a stupid little thing, but this pretty purple nail polish I used is chipping like crazy!
• Feeling unmotivated. The allergic reaction sapped all of my energy, so the job hunt I was supposed to resume, the journaling I was supposed to do, and the general reorganization of my life never happened. I've been busy so far this week so nothing productive is getting done and I just feel incredibly lazy.

Filling my heart...

• On Monday, E and I were texting each other and realized we both didn't have anything to do, so I suggested he come over and he did! We usually plan things in advance and rarely decide on a whim to hang out, so it was nice - plus, I'm glad he's so close by that we can have impromptu date nights.
• Going to the So You Think You Can Dance tour on Tuesday night with Ashley and Cortney! The show was fantastic and, as usual, we waited outside to meet the dancers afterwords. So much fun.
• Dress shopping with Danielle. For Natalie's wedding (which is in April), we got to pick between three different styles for our bridesmaid dresses. Since I missed Sunday's outing and Danielle was still undecided, we met up at the David's Bridal near us yesterday afternoon and picked our styles.
• This weekend, my parents are going away, so I'm throwing a (small) house party for E's birthday. It's going to be your typical house party, but since I wasn't an avid party-goer in high school and my parents rarely go away, I've never done this before. I feel very rebellious. But, I'm mostly excited because I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
• Finally being able to take hot showers again! For the few days when my hives were really bad (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday), I had to take cool-to-lukewarm showers or baths because I didn't want to the hives to get worse. I typically take really hot showers, so when I finally got to turn the temperature back to my 'normal' level on Sunday, I was so happy.
• Getting Melissa's save-the-date in the mail yesterday!

Ten on Tuesday [Vol. 39].

1. How do you take your coffee?
Light and sweet! Sometimes I can go a little less than that, but if it's too close to black, then yuck.

2. Do you prefer soft or crispy chocolate chip cookies?
Soft, always. I like most cookies soft, actually.

3. Do you wear a belt everyday?
Nope. I rarely wear regular belts (that keep pants up) - I only wear fashion belts on occasion.

4. What is your favorite color combination?
Hot pink and navy blue. (Those will likely be my wedding colors ... yes, I'm that girl who's already decided.)

5. Do you like sour candy?
Not super sour, like those sprays/liquids they have that are like, crazy-puckery-sour. But sour gummy worms and things of that nature, I love.

6. How often do you do laundry?
Whenever I run out of clean underwear. Sexy, right?

7. Did you ever wear braces?
Yes! From eighth grade (right in time for picture day) until the summer after sophomore year of high school. I also had headgear, but I only had to wear it at night. Still, it was embarrassing.

8. Are you good at Roman Numerals?
Sometimes. Once I get past a certain number... not so much.

9. What is your favorite form of social media?
Facebook, I think. I know a lot of people are annoyed by it or think it's a major time suck, but I'm someone who enjoys keeping up with what people are doing. I'm (usually) not at a stalker level, but seeing pictures and stuff like that is interesting to me.

10. How do you feel about chin dimples?
Not really a fan, actually. I thought I was apathetic, but now that I think about it... yeah, not a fan.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

The Girl Effect.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going about my day and stumbled upon somebody tweeting about The Girl Effect. It sounded interesting, so I clicked the link. It brought me to the following video:





To be honest, the video kind of shocked me. It wasn’t that I was necessarily surprised at the information, but… it’s one of those things we don’t think about on a day-to-day basis. We know that women and girls aren’t treated well in other countries, especially in poverty, but we don’t often give it much thought than that.

There’s not much I really have to say on the topic, but I do want to spread information. Bloggers across the blogosphere are talking about this today to make more people aware and encourage others to get informed and even take action.

Please take a few minutes today to visit some of these links about The Girl Effect.

• Fact sheet, which provides statistics about how changing the life of one young woman can change so much more.
• YouTube Channel, which includes five videos about real girls living in poverty and their stories. This one was particularly heartbreaking to me:
  
• The Girl Effect Facebook page.
• The Girl Effect on Twitter.

Looking to do more? Here's some information on how you can help. But simply by spreading the word - tweeting about The Girl Effect, sharing it on Facebook or Google+, or even writing your own blog post - is a great place to start.

So Long, September.

September. I bet you can’t guess what the highlight of my month was. (That’s sarcasm, because I’ll actually bet that you already did.) If you guessed my best friend’s wedding… you’re right!

The first week of September was the busiest and filled with pre-wedding and wedding goodness. There was the bachelorette party in NYC, last-minute trips to Danielle’s house to help with prep, the rehearsal dinner, and of course, wedding day itself.

The best part of it all, which I failed to mention in my recap of the day, was seeing my best friend and her new husband look so incredibly happy together. Watching them walk around the reception hand-in-hand with huge smiles on their faces warmed my heart so much. And every time I stole a glance at them dancing during the slow songs, they seemed in a world of their own. It was truly a beautiful thing to witness.

(I will say, however, that I’m missing the bridal party terribly. It was fun to bond with them and it feels weird not to see or talk to them constantly about wedding preparations.)

The rest of the month was pretty quite after all of that. I wanted it that way; I knew the week of the wedding would stress me out (because what doesn’t stress me out?), so I didn’t want a calendar full of plans.

The following weekend was MusicFest, which was thoroughly disappointing after last year. But I spent the entire weekend with E, which was really nice. Other than that, there were very few social outings – mostly, I just hung out with E and his friends from school, including a movie date with his roommate’s girlfriend.

What passed the time for the rest of this month? Working, doing chores around the house, and watching all the fall premieres on TV. Aside from the first uber-busy week, it was a quiet month. After being sick for the last few days, I’m ready to start filling my calendar up again.