ten on tuesday [vol. 29].

{The backyard view of the across-the-street neighbors at my aunt & uncle's shore house.}

1. From your childhood, what do you miss most about summer vacation?
That feeling of pure, responsibility-free freedom. I miss how it felt to spend my mornings at swim class, the afternoons in the backyard or watching movies in our air-conditioned den, ending the day with an ice pop and contentedly falling asleep at night knowing the next day held the same schedule.

2. Are you going anywhere on vacation this summer?
Probably not anywhere special, save for a weekend trip (or two) to my aunt and uncle's shore house.

3. What foods do you like to barbecue?
Everything. Is that an appropriate response? Because everything tastes better grilled.

4. How do you celebrate the fourth of July?
Usually just at home, relaxing, then watching the NYC fireworks display on TV and catching a couple amateur neighborhood-hosted shows from my backyard. Nobody I know really has barbecues or parties, so I rarely get invited somewhere. Occasionally I get invited to go to a local town for a real fireworks show, but not a lot, and I'm not a fan of going on my own.

5. What’s your favorite beverage to drink in the summertime?
Plain ol' (ice cold) water, actually.

6. What movie are you looking forward to seeing this summer?
HARRY POTTER. I almost didn't answer this correctly, because I was going to say I didn't know any big movies coming up. Um, duh. The correct answer is always Harry Potter. I plan on going at midnight with my friends, if they're willing.

7. In the car: windows down or AC?
Depends on how hot it really is. If it's cool enough, I like to roll down the windows but if it's unbearably hot, I have to go with the AC.

8. Have you ever had a summer fling?
Nope.

9. Do you wear sunscreen?
Almost always, unless I forget or only plan on being outside for under an hour. I'm the palest person I know, so I know not to forget or else I turn into lobster girl.

10. Do you have any favorite summertime activities?
Hanging out in or by a pool, lounging in the backyard, wearing dresses, attending barbecues, and going to the shore.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

i hate being sick.

Things have been a little quiet around here this week because I've been sick. And no, not just with my stomach (although that's been persistent), but with another viral throat infection as well. I've spent the better part of this week either in bed or moping around the house, trying to be productive while feeling terrible about canceling all of my plans.

It's hard to find the energy to do anything when most of it is sapped from, well, being sick and the rest is spent being upset about it. All of my chores and to-do lists are piling up and I simply don't feel like touching any of them. I haven't even found the motivation to do my Joy Juice journal prompts or blog.

When I get sick, especially with my stomach troubles, I always get caught up in all the things I can't do. I can't go out this week. I can't go out this weekend. I probably can't go out next week. I can't see my friends, go dress shopping during the big sale weekend, or take a last-minute trip down the shore like I wanted. I can't eat what I want because I need to be on a bland diet, even if it doesn't even seem to be helping. And the ultimate can't that is I can't be a good girlfriend/friend/employee in this condition. (Leave it to me to be the most concerned about how this affects everyone else.)

This weekend is going to be spent collecting all of the bits of energy I have and improving my health. That's Step One, and nothing else can come before it. I have to put aside all my concerns for everyone else and fix myself first. There will be meal plans, daily schedules, and strict dietary guidelines. It won't be a fun and crazy Memorial Day Weekend, but it will ensure that I can have fun for the rest of the summer and beyond.

And besides, I can lay out in my backyard and it's almost as good as the beach - and I won't even need to deal with horrendous traffic!

(P.S. - I'm guest posting at my friend Stephany's blog Stephany Writes today while she's on vacation this week! I rarely get asked to guest post, so swing by and say hi!)

ten on tuesday [vol. 28].

{♥}
1. Have you ever used Craigslist?
Yes. I sold an old set of gymnastic mats on there. At first I was worried about creepy people, but then the woman I sold it to showed up after a cheerleading meet with her ten(ish)-year-old daughter and I realized that other normal people use it too.

2. Can you sew?
Barely. I flourished in my two years of sewing classes in middle school - I made countless stuffed animals from basic kits, PJ pants, and an apron - but I have lost all of those skills. If I have to sew up a hole in my clothes, I pretty much half-ass it and hope for the best.

3. Do you pour syrup on your pancakes or dip your pancakes in the syrup?
Hm... both. Usually I pour a little over the pancakes, then put extra on the side of my plate and dip. I don't really like how quickly the syrup soaks into the pancakes, so I could easily become an exclusive dipper.

4. Rain storms: Love them or hate them?
Depends. During the day, I usually don't like them. But rain at night is one of my favorite things. I really couldn't tell you why the time of day makes a difference, but it does.

5. Do you like swimming?
Absolutely. I haven't had the opportunity to go swimming in a while, but my parents and grandparents always said I took to the water like a fish. I used to be able to swim and hang out in a pool for hours and hours.

6. What kind of drink do you order at Sonic?
I actually haven't been to Sonic enough to have a favorite drink! We only very recently got one that is a reasonable distance from my house (in the past, they were all at least an hour away), so I haven't made too many trips yet. I'm hoping to change that this summer, though.

7. Are you funny?
Kind of? I don't really try to be. Usually I just make amusing/sarcastic comments that get laughed at.

8. At what age will your kids get cell phones?
Definitely not before middle school. I'm thinking maybe age 13, because that's kind of a milestone and it's just about the time I'd feel comfortable with my kid having a cell phone. Middle school is when kids are growing up and wanting to be like adults anyway - that's when I started wearing makeup and carrying a purse - so having a cell phone would be somewhat in line with all of that.

9. What’s your favorite vegetable?
Corn. And peas. Which are arguably both not veggies, but whatever.

10. Were you a Girl Scout?
Yes, and a proud drop-out. It was enjoyable in elementary school when we earned badges in a fun ways and got to have snack and craft time every meeting. Once we got to middle school... well, first of all, my close friend dropped out, but secondly, we were barely working to earn our badges and focused on going on tons of random trips instead. I got bored, so I quit.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

wine and love [vol. 2].

It's Thursday, which means it's time for Wine and Love. Missed the memo on what it's all about? Things on the Wine list are the not-so-great moments from my week, while things on my Love list... well, that's pretty obvious. And it's all hosted by Nora, so head over there and link up!

Pass the wine glass, please...

• I'm still not feeling 100%, which is making me cranky.
• Rain. So much rain.
• I completely forgot to watch Glee this week. (Thank God for Hulu.)
• Feeling down about all the things I've started and not completed, including: touching up the paint in my room, reading my two self-help books, and making a list of books to get from the library.

My heart is overflowing with love...

• It's finally Thursday, which means date night with my love. Seriously, I missed him more than I care to admit.
  
• BFF Engagement #3!
• The finale episode of Castle, while shocking and cliffhanger-y, had some really romantic parts that made me cry (in the good way).
  
• I actually made it through lunch with my grandparents on Tuesday even though I was still feeling off.
• My brother graduated college! It still hasn't sunk in yet.
• Playing therapist, discussing life, and making plans with Natalie.
• Crossing little things off of my to-do list.
• Buying a new mouse pad. I've wanted to replace it for-ev-er - it was one of those little annoying things I kept meaning to fix. So, I finally did.

What about you? Share the love (and the wine).

ten on tuesday [vol. 27].

This is a photo edition of ToT. Post a photo of each of the following:

1. Your favorite piece of furniture in your home.

Apologies for the horribly blurry photo, but I forgot about it and then everyone was asleep, so I had to be super quiet and fast to take this pic. But this is my piano, which looks pretty even though nobody plays it anymore.

2. Your favorite thing on your wall.

This is the photo collage that my cousin, Lynds, made for me for my graduation.

3. Your bed as it looks right now.

I make my bed every day because I really, really enjoy the feeling of pulling the covers back to go to bed.

4. Your pantry.

Fun facts: Our pantry is actually our basement; my mother has hoarding tendencies; and this is only about half of everything there is down there.

5. Your favorite piece of jewelry.

My Claddagh ring, which I believe I received as a middle school graduation gift, maybe? Once I got to college I started wearing it all the time. There are certain ways to wear it - I currently have it on my right ring finger, with the heart facing me because my heart is taken. I have a strong connection to my Irish roots, so I really love the tradition involved. I rarely take it off - only to shower or wash dishes - and I feel naked without it, especially if I forget it for an extended period of time.

6. Your favorite book.

I don't have a favorite novel that I could think of, but I loved Shel Silverstein growing up and still do now.

7. Your most comfortable shirt.

Mainly this is super comfy because it's the only loose-fitting long-sleeved shirt I own.

8. Your messiest room.

My mom keeps the rest of our house pretty spotless. Our messiest room is likely my brother's, but he was sleeping. Mine comes in second place, although it too is also normally neat. This is the small mess I have near the entrance.

9. Your house shoes.
I don't actually wear shoes around the house, nor do I have a pair specifically for that purpose.

10. Yourself.


These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

it's monday.

It's Monday.

It's Monday and I don't really have much to say, because my weekend was shot to hell from an IBS flare-up that had me laying and bed and sulking, not because I felt all that bad physically but because I felt emotionally broken again.

For months and months, I built up my confidence, pushed through my anxiety, and made really big leaps in terms of my eating habits. I've been on a relatively low-fat diet for months and had given up sugar for a while; I take probiotics and mulitvitamins every night, eat fruits instead of sugary snacks, and do yoga every morning.

Then Easter came. I allowed myself a break, eating cookies and candy and not feeling guilty for it. Even after that weekend, I kept giving myself reprieves, promising (as always) that I'd get started again tomorrow. Tomorrow never showed up.

In the past two weeks, I had not only been eating poorly but I was also getting cocky. Normally, I make sure to consolidate plans for one or two days a week, because going out means eating even worse and taking medicine, so it's nice to have a few days in between to "recover." Last week? I went out every. single. day. for a full week, just because. Seven days of not eating breakfast, not working out, treating myself to fast food or Starbucks, eating only one healthy meal, spending the night snacking, and overloading on my medicine.

Around Tuesday last week, I could feel my body giving out. The stomach cramps were coming back, I had indigestion when I went to bed, and I was exhausted. I promised that after going to work on Wednesday, I would give it a rest and get back to normal. Usually it just takes a day or two to get back on track after a long stretch of busy days. This time, it's taken four days, and I'm not even feeling back up to snuff yet.

I'm so frustrated with myself and my body. Obviously it's my own fault for giving up completely on my healthy habits and letting everything slide, but it really should not be this bad. I haven't felt like this for months and months. I've had weeks worse than this one and have recovered in a day or two. The fact that I've been taking it easy since Thursday and have still been feeling crummy makes me worry that I made things worse or that something not in my control brought me back to square one.

Square one is a shitty place to be, because square one is where I feel like nothing I'll ever do is going to fix this. And since I worked so hard for six months and one week undid all of that work? That fear of never solving this problem is back in my face, and I really don't like it.

wine and love [vol. 1].

Wine and Love is a new feature for Thursdays! It was thought up by the especially lovely miss Nora, whose blog you should definitely be reading. What's it about? It's a chance to list some not-so-awesome things that made me wish for a glass of wine as well as all the wonderful things that made me smile. Wanna join in? Feel free to participate on Thursdays and link up at Walking with Nora.

Things causing me to fill my wine glass...

• Last week and weekend were really busy for E, so I saw him for a shorter period of time than I usually do. When he left, I spent the entire rest of the day in a cranky mood.
• Accidentally buying eyeliner that was more expensive than expected. Thank goodness for return policies.
• Feeling really tired all day, but not being able to fall asleep at night. What gives?
• Really noticing the lack of support I have within my own house. I'm starting to learn how to ignore the nay-sayers and do things my way, but it just sucks when I can sense that nobody really thinks I'm going to succeed unless I do it their way. Especially when those people are my family.
  
• I felt tremendously sick on Tuesday, like, back to when I was at square one with my IBS. It made me sad and depressed because I thought I'd relapsed back to that awful time, but I realized it was the product of one too many days of slacking off. I just need to get back into the swing of my good habits.
  

Things filling my heart...

• Joy Juice. I gave myself a day to think about it (mostly for monetary reasons), but I figured now is as good a time as any to dedicate myself to a project that will help me get to know and love myself more. I've completed one of the prompts already and will tackle the other one tonight - I'm really excited for more.
  
• The new print I got from a Good Cheer Deal on the blog oh, hello friend. It's absolutely lovely and looks so pretty on my shelf!
  

• My nails are growing! Just before Easter, I coated my little nubs with nail polish - a decidedly tedious task - and have been doing so every week ever since. I still bite the pinkie nails because I'm terrible at quitting things cold turkey, but the others are long enough to tap on things (which is driving my family nuts).
• E and I had our first actual phone conversation last night, even though we've been dating for over four months now. See, since we both hate the phone, we avoided it in the beginning stages, but now that we're more comfortable with each other we decided to give it a shot. I think he still wasn't a fan, but I would much prefer hearing his voice every couple of days instead of constantly texting.

ten on tuesday [vol. 26].

{♥}
1. If you could watch only one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Ferris Bueller's Day Off, hands down. I could watch that movie over and over and never get tired of it.

2. Let’s say someone wrote a screenplay about you; what actor/actress would you choose to play you and why?
I'm really terrible at answering this question because I feel like other people would be better at casting someone to play me. Off of the top of my head, I'd pick Anne Hathaway just because I feel like she looks somewhat like me and the roles she plays are the right balance of quirky, silly, and classy. Like me!

3. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in theaters?
Well, I don't actually remember going, but I saw The Little Mermaid in theaters when I was a kidlet. The first one I actually remember is Dr. DoLittle. My mom brought me and my brother, but he started freaking out at the end when they operated on the tiger so we had to leave.

4. Did you ever make out at the back of a movie theater in middle school/high school?
No, because I was lame and had no romantic interests until I was in college.

5. Are you a Netflix-er, Blockbuster-er or a Redbox-er? (Or none of the above?)
Netflix-er, though I haven't been utilizing it as much as I should. We had a Blockbuster subscription when I was a kid, but it was mostly to rent video games. I occasionally use Redbox - we only got one around here in the past year.

6. Name one actor/actress who you would give anything to have a dinner date with.
Johnny Depp. Not only do I find him extremely attractive, but he's a genius and I feel like he'd actually be an interesting date. Runner up? Ryan Reynolds, purely for his hotness.

7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
Smart People. It was terrible. It's supposed to be funny and quirky, but it ends up just being confusing and depressing. Another bad one was In Good Company, which was decent except for the ending. I was legit pissed off when I left the theater after that one.

8. Do you sneak snacks into the theater when you go?
Yes, but it's a recent habit. When I was a teenager, I'd buy whatever I felt like, whether it was popcorn, candy, or nachos. But now that I'm older (and stingier), I bring in candy instead of buying it there. I only buy food there if it's something specific I want, like the soft pretzel bites with cheese.

9. Movie theater popcorn: love or hate it?
It's alright. I have to be in the mood for it, though, and usually just a handful stolen from whomever I'm with fills my craving.

10. What is the all-time best Disney movie in your opinion?
Mary Poppins. I am in love with that movie. And, actually, I just recently created a Pandora station that plays instrumental/piano music, and this awesome medley of songs from the movie popped up. It puts such a big smile on my face because I adore the music.



These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

mumble and gloria.

Today is a super awesome day. Why? Because it's Ashley's birthday, of course!

You should know that Ashley and I are personality twins, separated at birth, perhaps. In the five years we've been friends, I think the only discrepancies that we've discovered in our lives are our political views and 90's boy band loyalties. Otherwise, we share the same passion for dance, ability to remember choreography from years ago, obsession with watching old recital videos, apathy towards getting drunk, love of crafting and Sharpee markers, and tendency to indulge our inner 6-year-old. (Oh, and as for the title of this post, we're penguin pals since we played Gloria and Mumble from Happy Feet in the winter recital of '06.)

We also have the same thoughts and feelings about a lot of things, specifically those things that make me think I'm crazy and weird. Do you know how awesome it is to find out that someone else shares your special brand of crazy? Our opinions are so mirrored that, when one of us is trying to explain how we feel about something, the other person usually interrupts and says, yes, I totally understand, we're the same person, remember?

Last weekend we had an early celebration for her birthday, which was slightly insane but tons of fun. There were games of Kings, Never Have I Ever, and of course, Ash and I rehashed some old choreography. Which, I should mention, has become so commonplace that nobody blinked an eye (except maybe E, who'd never witnessed it before) and people actually joined in if they were passing through our makeshift "stage" in the kitchen. The party was so good that the date has already been set for next year's, which I will definitely be attending.

Happy birthday Ash! ♥

the luckiest.

{♥}
I always get nervous about posting mushy things around here and the reasons are two-fold. One, even though I love reading and hearing about love, I know some people just roll their eyes and make gagging sounds when they come across it and I don't want to cause that reaction. Two, as much as I want to share, I don’t want to over-share, because that could end up being embarrassing.

But you know what? I can’t help it. Normally I would cringe at how open I'm going to be in this post because I'm afraid that talking about all of it will jinx it. I worry that I'll sound silly and naïve, that I shouldn't feel so strongly about a relationship that hasn't even made it to six months yet, that as soon as I put these thoughts into the universe, everything is going to stop being so awesome. Not this time. Whether it lasts another month, another year, or a lifetime, I'm going to embrace my current feelings and share them with you, because when something is making me this happy, it's worth sharing.

The past couple of weekends with E have been nothing short of fabulous. There have been a lot of successful meetings of friends and family, but it’s not only that. Yes, it’s really awesome knowing that everyone is getting along, but even better are the little things changing and growing between the two of us.

I could feel myself falling for him quite a while back, because I tend to love big and without abandon. However, I kept that a closely-guarded secret, not spilling to a single person (not a single one! It was hard, you guys). I needed to be as sure as I could that he felt the same, which is difficult because there are some things about which I cannot know everything, and another person's feelings are one of those things.

That was the reason for all my angst-filled, emotional days last month – I was struggling with how I felt, how I thought he felt, if they really needed to match up, and my ever-present paranoia (which I’m learning to ignore more and more). And then, one night as I was fighting that paranoia and negativity, it hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I knew. I know how terribly cliché that sounds, but I don’t have any other way to explain it.

Everything feels so different this time around. Of course, I only have one other experience to compare it to, but I have this gut feeling that this is out of the ordinary. When we’re at a party and he comes up to me just to say hi, give me a kiss on the cheek and lip sync to whatever song is playing, I melt. He holds my hand while I'm driving during our many road trips. Whenever he compliments me, I can hear the sincerity in his voice and I get the biggest, silliest smile on my face. It's taken no time at all for him to become one of my biggest supporters, reminding me to think less, go with my gut, and have more confidence in myself. I still get butterflies when we kiss and when he tells me he loves me.

He's really everything I could ever want. He makes me laugh, he's fun to hang out with, and he gets along with pretty much everyone in my life. He's aware of my health and anxiety issues and doesn't make a big deal out of them, but at the same time he gently pushes me out of my comfort zone. He can joke around and poke fun at me, and in the next moment we'll be having a heart-to-heart conversation. We have just as much fun watching movies and game shows while eating Chinese food as we do at a crazy house party or out for drinks with friends. He always makes sure that I'm okay, whether it's checking with me about how long I want to stay somewhere or simply making sure I'm having fun.

Most importantly, though, is that he counters my two biggest flaws: putting myself down and caring about everyone else before myself . Now I have someone who builds me up both intentionally and through random compliments; I have somebody who cares about me and makes sure I'm happy. And honestly, I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

ten on tuesday [vol. 25].

1. What is the weather like in your city today?
Confession time: I write blog posts ahead of time to publish the following day. The forecast says it'll be in the low seventies, so it should look like the picture above, which I took last year around this time.

2. Do you like the zoo?
I haven't been to the zoo in such a long time, but I'm a fan. In fact, I'd probably like it more now than when I was an impatient little kid or a bratty teenager.

3. Do you eat coconut?
I'm assuming this refers to packaged, shaved coconut, because I've don't know how common fresh coconut is. But yes, I do eat it and I enjoy it.

4. Have you ever hammered a nail? Are you good at it?
Yes and usually. Sometimes the nail doesn't go in straight and I get annoyed, but mostly I'm pretty good at it.

5. Does your family have a vacation destination that you visit often?
For a little while, it was Wildwood. Now, no. Personally, I visit my aunt and her family at their shore house in South Jersey all the time.

6. How many pillows do you sleep with?
A lot, because I don't take my decorative pillows off the bed when I sleep. There are only three I actually use while sleeping.

7. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit snooze and go back to sleep. But when I actually get up, I turn on my computer and open the shades in my room.

8. Will you send your kids to summer camp?
It depends. I was never a summer camp type of kid because I had major separation anxiety issues. If my kids seem outgoing and want to do it, then sure, but I wouldn't force them.

9. What do you put in your baked potatoes?
Sour cream or butter. I'm a simple kind of girl.

10. Did you take swimming lessons as a kid?
Sure did! I loved swimming so much, I couldn't get enough of it. Getting up early in the summer and swimming in the mostly empty community pool is one of my favorite memories.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

move over april, it's time for may.

My April has been absolutely fantastic, really and truly. Promises of warm weather were finally delivered just in time for Easter and I was able to pull dresses and skirts out of the dark corners of my closet.

I spent a lot of quality time with E (more on that later this week). I had movie and lunch dates with friends, bridesmaid dress shopping with Natalie, a wonderful Easter celebration with family, one house party with E’s friends to start off the month and another with my friends to close it out.

This month I finally started to seriously kick my nail-biting habit by painting them pretty colors and made a fairly regular habit of exercising. I’ve started making my annual list of springtime chores and have been working up the courage to start seriously job searching and making important doctor’s appointments.

April was still filled with navigating my emotions, but while it started out with a fair amount of angst, the last couple of weeks have been some of my absolute happiest. A trip to Ashley’s beach house yesterday dangled summer right in front of my face, so as sad as I am to see April go, I’m extremely excited for flip flops and beach trips.

A quick look at my resolutions for this month:

Get healthy. I was doing so, so well in the beginning of the month. Project No More Sugar was actually working, I was exercising five days a week, and I was eating fruits and veggies. Then Easter weekend hit and things went downhill from there, except for the exercising. Luckily that’s only been about a week of unhealthiness, and I’m hoping to get back on track starting today.

Work on my anxiety. With the exception of a few not-so-great car rides, I’ve been doing miles better. I’m still considering therapy, but it’s something I’ve been putting off thinking about (surprise, surprise).

Live in the moment. A little bit of no, but mostly a big fat yes.

Stay in touch. Trying! I saw several of my friends this month and have been in touch with anyone I haven’t seen.

Be me and stop worrying what other people think. Check! I did so well on this one – the big thing was letting go of all of my insecurities in my relationship, but I also did pretty good not stressing about my tendency not to drink a lot in the face of two house parties.

April’s goals were mostly a big, fat flop. The only thing I’m (mostly) decided on is where to self-host – I’m probably just sticking with Blogger because I like it and am used to it. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, that’s my decision. Be on the lookout for big changes soon!

Goals for May: make a written-out plan to improve my life; try two new recipes; schedule that damn dentist’s appointment and one with the lady doctor; apply to jobs; read at least one book; start replying to blog comments; get my blog redesigned.

Sounds exciting, doesn't it? I'm going to try really hard to focus on my goals this month instead of pushing them of in lieu of having lots of fun. May is one of my favorite months so I don't expect it to disappoint.