why i love suburbia.

On the sunniest, warmest day of last week, my neighbors across the street had their three grandbabies over for a visit. The oldest one is no older than six, the youngest around two, and the third is somewhere in between.

They ran around the driveway, the youngest one obviously anxious to ride the “big boy” bike (which was still a three-wheeler) like his two elder brothers. The oldest, with firey-red hair, held the handlebars and helped him from toppling over.

Later on, two of them went on a walk around the block with their grandma, the middle one staying behind. His grandpa, a man whom I have only witnessed as a parent of teenagers and then adults, took turns pitching and hitting a wiffle ball with his grandson. Hearing his "grandpa voice" - the one that’s light, fun, and encouraging - made me smile. But it was hearing the ball smack against the bat and come bouncing across the street that warmed my heart.

Once upon a time, before my neighbor was a grandpa, he was simply a father of his own three boys. They are all a good ten years older than me; I only ever remember them as teenagers. Back when my brother and I were little balls of energy and spent hours playing outside, they’d occasionally come out and hit the wiffle ball. At first they’d come across the street to get the ball themselves when they hit it, other times we’d stop our own activity to throw it back. But then they did something awesome: they officially invited us to be their outfielders.

We never played for long and I don’t remember it happening more than a few times. Still, it stuck with me. The older kids let us play with them. We were part of their wiffle ball game even though they were in their late teens and we were still under the age of ten. It was the coolest thing ever.

Since then, the boys – now men – have grown up and moved out, one of them sadly passing away much too soon. The oldest one is married and now brings his three rambunctious sons to play in the driveway in which he once swung the bright yellow plastic bat. It's memories like these that make me love suburban life and never want to leave it.

ten on tuesday [vol. 24].

1. How many blogs do you read every day and what are they? (I’m talking the ones you NEVER miss)
This is hard to answer because I use a reader and just read as my feeds are updated. I don't check certain blogs daily. On a "normal" day, I try to read as they're updated. I'm subscribed to 100+, but they definitely aren't all updated daily.

2. How many “best friends” do you have? Do you have different “besties” for different areas of your life?
I have such mixed feelings about the term "best friend" because I never had that one "best" friend, the one you meet at a young age and stick with for life. I consider all of my close friends my "best" ones. That means my four girlfriends from college (Danielle, Katie, Melissa, Natalie), my cousin Lyndsay, my brother, and my two friends from dance, Cort and Ash. That may seem like a lot, but they never intersected much so it never felt like too many. If anything, my brother is my "best friend" in the traditional sense because he's known me longest, knows me inside and out, and I can talk to him about any and everything.

3. What’s your daily make up routine?
Well, if I'm not leaving the house or seeing anyone, I don't put any makeup on. If I'm doing something casual, like taking a trip to Starbucks, I just do under-eye concealer (something I only recently started doing again) and loose mineral powder foundation. If I'm seeing people, like my friends or if I'm going to work, I add mascara and blush to the routine.

4. What is your ideal girl’s night?
This is really hard because I'm torn between a night in or a night out. So, I'll do both. For a night out, it would include dressing up a bit and going to a low-key bar or club where there's dancing, but not too many people (or creepers), drinking a bit, then going somewhere for yummy food after. For a night in? Pajama party, chick flicks, take-out food, painting our nails, and staying up super late to have some serious girl talk.

5. Do you keep up with your nails/toenails or are they au natural?
Usually au natural because, well, I bite my fingernails. In the past few years I've gotten into the habit of painting my toenails because I wish I had fingernails to paint. This week, though, I painted my little fingernail nubs in the hopes that the pretty color will keep me from biting. So far, so good!

6. What’s your best roommate story (assuming you had a roommate at some point in your life)?
Well, considering that four out of the six girls I roomed with throughout college are my best friends, I haven't had too many crazy/dramatic/OMG stories. (Plus, three of them read this blog and so I couldn't share even if I wanted to. ;]) If we count townhouse-mates, then the craziest is definitely the girl who lived downstairs from me in senior year and took care of someone's toddler a few days a week. He was adorable and it wasn't too bad, but he'd cry, make noise, and occasionally crawl up the stairs which wasn't exactly conducive to studying and getting work done, or sleeping.

7. What’s your “go to” outfit that you wear more than anything else?
Any dress or tunic top with leggings and boots, either tall or ankle. Sometimes with a cardigan and belt. This was basically my wardrobe for any time I went out in the fall and winter.

8. Do you have a beauty secret?
Not that I'm aware of. I'm not very beauty-savvy.

9. Did you read Seventeen magazine growing up?
... I still do. That's embarrassing, considering I'm now twenty-four.

10. How did you learn to put on makeup?
A little bit of my own trial-and-error, a little from my beauty-savvy aunt, a little from my middle school circle of friends, and the occasional tip from a magazine.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by the wonderful Chelsea of Roots and Rings.

birthday wish.

{photo cred: Melissa; taken sophomore year of college}

When it comes down to it, nothing bonds two people quite like the desire to spruce up a boring dorm room with foam cutouts and pipe cleaners.

Wishing the happiest of birthdays to one of my closest friends, Melissa, who shared with me both that room and a passion for Disney, arts and crafts, and microwaveable pasta alfredo. Love you!

grace in small things.

• every single moment I spent with my boyfriend over the weekend
• deciding on an outfit for Easter
  
• lunch with my Lady Lumps
• lots of beautiful weather
• Beyonce's newest song
  
  
• being Natalie's bridesmaid dress model and helping her pick styles and a color
  
• finally seeing Toy Story 3 (definitely cried) and Easy A (such a good movie!)
• trips to Starbucks
• finally admitting I'm head-over-heels in love
  
• snail mail
• feeling optimistic, energized, content, loved, cared about... and just plain happy

This week was such a good one and this weekend is going to be the icing on the cake. Happy Easter weekend for all those who celebrate! Eat lots of Cadbury eggs and Peeps, or whatever else you like instead. (There's a purple bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs with my name on it, waiting to be devoured on Sunday.)

let's be friends?

Life is pretty fantastic at the moment, but I tried writing about it and couldn't come up with much in the way of coherent thoughts. If I could post a huge smiley face, paragraphs of bubbly hearts, and a couple of cupcakes, then I'd have a post communicating how I felt.

While I find my words, here are a few places outside of this blog where we should be friends.

• Facebook. Are we Facebook friends? If your answer is no, remedy this situation immediately! Click the pretty button over on my sidebar (click through if you're viewing this in a reader).
  
• Twitter. Follow me @princesscait if you aren't already!
  
• Goodreads. I'm trying desperately to incorporate reading into my life and am always looking for recommendations. Become my friend over there so I can add more books to my to-read shelf.
• Tumblr. I tend to reblog a lot of Glee, Harry Potter, and dance-related things, but there are also a fair number of pretty pictures and quotes that resonate with me. Follow me if you like!
• Pinterest. This is my newest obsession, so if you're a fellow pinner, add me as a friend so we can share pretty things with each other.

I've also been brainstorming a few things for this blog, like (finally) getting my own domain name and having someone talented come in and do a redesign. I'm a terrible procrastinator, so I'm sure these decisions won't be made for a few weeks, but be on the look-out anyway!

grace in small things.

{Nana's tree; planted at my cousin's house. I always think of her & my pop-pop around this time of year.}

• all of last Friday and Saturday, which included but was not limited to: attending a house party and being way too old for it; being decent at flip cup even though I've never played; meeting the rest of E's hometown friends; watching him interact with said friends; interesting conversations throughout the night; hanging out the next day; going out to dinner with his family for his dad's birthday; having that warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach basically the entire two days
  
• getting up early on Sunday to see Hop with the dance girls, which was adorable and also pretty funny
• planning Easter desserts and a little surprise project
  
• confirming that E will be joining me on Easter and meeting (most of) my dad's side of the fam, and being extremely excited because I think (hope!) everyone's going to get along fabulously
• figuring out my feelings, taking chances, and just being randomly happy
• being relatively successful with eating healthier and exercising every day
• day dreaming about my future
• beautiful weather
  

Happy Friday! What little things are making you smile?

making sense of things.

{♥}
As I mentioned last week, I've been stuck in a very pensive mood, teetering between blissfully content and frighteningly insecure with my life. Last week I felt like I was dipping into the latter of those two; this week, I’m knee-deep in the former.

I’ve been doing a fair amount of reading as of late. My bookshelf houses a mountain of self-help books about anxiety, happiness, and figuring out my life (and a few about IBS, for good measure). I've been drinking in inspiring blog posts and quotes, occasionally finding something that resonates within me so much that I want to have it tattooed to my palms so I can make sure to remember it always.

Although I've been exposing myself to powerful phrases and paragraphs of helpful advice for a few years now, it seems like now it's really starting to stick. Concepts like loving myself, loving others, expressing that love for others, not holding back and doing what makes me happy are making more sense.

Having dreams and setting goals is starting to sound doable. Realizing I can – and probably should – make decisions even when I’m not 100% sure and start things even when I’m riddled with nerves is extremely freeing. Because after hearing it over and over, it finally clicked that conditions are never going to be perfect and that even waiting for “better” is a waste of time.

There are skills I’m putting into immediate practice, like enjoying the present moment without worrying about the past or the future and using my positive inner voice. I’m eager to use others – coming back to the present moment when I’m experiencing anxiety, letting my heart win the battle against my brain, and allowing myself to be vulnerable in my relationships.

In the battle of positive thoughts versus negative, I was always aware that I was submitting to the negativity. All of my inner demons would show up, knocking on the door to my mind, and I would open that door without an ounce of resistance. I’d curl up and cry, agreeing with the ideas that I was a failure, a disappointment, and just plain stupid. No effort was made to say, no, I’m smart and have potential, and I deserve to be loved. I let myself get beat up by, well, myself.

I won’t lie and say that I’ve suddenly completely reformed my life overnight and learned not to do that anymore, because I haven’t. The exposure I’ve had to these positive ways of thinking and living has been in small doses, but I’m excited to keep exploring and putting the pieces together. Though I can’t promise there won’t be more back-and-forth between being sad and completely happy, I can say that I hope to be spending as much time as possible in the “life is amazing” category, because it’s pretty great over here.

ten on tuesday [vol. 23].

{♥}
1. If you work, do you drive to work or take public transportation?
I drive because I work at my boss's house, which is in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. Luckily I work non-traditional hours, so I'm rarely caught in rush hour traffic.

2. How often do you get your haircut? Do you go to the same person every time?
Approximately every six months, sooner if it needs a trim and later if I completely forget. I recently started cutting it myself, but before that, I just went to Super Cuts. Occasionally I had the same woman since I always went to the same location, but usually it was random.

3. Do you read the newspaper? If so, a hardcopy or the online version?
Not really. I get most of my news from television, but I sometimes read articles online from time to time.

4. What is the best book you have read this year?
I feel terrible admitting this, but I haven't read any books yet in 2011 (aside from self-help books). I have a hard time getting into the habit of reading because it's not something I made time for in high school and college, so it's not ingrained in my schedule. But, I always want to develop a good reading habit - it's a goal of mine this year to make time both for trips to the library and actual reading.

5. What is the best movie you have seen this year?
I'm also not an avid movie-goer. Again, I want to be, but in this case it's because I'm broke and can't afford to see all the popular movies when they come out. The only new movie I've seen in 2011 is Hop, but if we count "this year" as the past twelve months, then I'd say The Social Network was the best movie I've seen, hands down.

6. Do you tend to crave sweet or salty foods?
Both. It goes both ways, and usually after I crave and eat one thing, I crave the opposite. This is why I needed to seriously reform my eating habits.

7. Do you eat breakfast every day? If so, what do you have?
I try to eat something every day, but sometimes it doesn't happen. On the days I do eat breakfast, my recent go-to has been scrambled eggs with cheese and some toast on the side. Sometimes I opt for fruit instead, usually for a banana.

8. If you celebrate Easter, what Easter treat/candy are you most looking forward to?
Mini. Cadbury. Eggs. Not the cream-filled ones (though those are also fantastic), but the small, candy-coated chocolate eggs that come in the purple bag. That's going to be my treat when I finally get to have chocolate again on Easter.

9. How late is “sleeping in” to you?
HAHAHA. I mean... yeah. I've made a it a personal rule not to talk about sleeping habits on here, because they're incredibly embarrassing. Suffice it to say, it's much later than is socially acceptable.

10. Where are you going on your next vacation?
No idea. My last vacation was years ago in Wildwood with my family. I've had a few weekends at my aunt's shore house since then, but they don't always count. Usually any vacation I take is to the beach and is almost always in Jersey, so I'm sure that's where I'm going next since I don't have any immediate plans for going anywhere more extravagant.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by Roots and Rings.

happy weekend!

{♥}

Why, yes, I did just include lyrics by Drake on my blog!

There's something about this lyric, this quote, that I just love. I'll often find myself quoting Ingrid Michaelson tunes or other random songs, but rarely do I find a pretty meaningful string of words buried in a rap song. But, there it is. (Also, I love everything Drake does. Nicki Minaj, too. I could do without Lil' Wayne. I know, I know, you care so much.)

Anyway, I'm gone for the weekend, my loves. Not like I blog on the weekends anyhow, but the idea of telling you plans on Friday instead of long, rambling recaps on Monday is a better way to communicate my weekend plans. I'll be partying it up tonight with E and his friends, then staying overnight and hanging out there on Saturday. After coming home and crashing into bed on Saturday night, I'll be up bright and early to see a movie with my dance girls, Ashley and Cortney (we're catching the before-noon show because $10 movie tickets are ridiculous).

I've been making more and more plans lately, now that I'm coping better with the anxiety. My weekends are chock full of goodness and, even though I'd like to have a job because I could use the money, I know I'm incredibly blessed to be able to sleep in on Monday mornings and recover from my busy weekends. If there ever was a silver lining to this tumultuous time in my life, that's definitely it.

Have a good weekend! See you on the other side.

project: no more sugar, check-in #2.

Let me start off by saying, this past week is an example of why I don’t make specific plans and goals for myself.

I started out thinking that I’d actually be able to give up sugar completely for the entire month of April. Even as I wrote the original post and the first check-in, I knew it wasn’t really a possibility, but it sounded nice. I figured I would throw it out there, just in case I managed to complete it.

The problem is that I’m surrounded by junk food and sugary snacks. There are granola bars in the basement, cookies in the cookie jar, and cake mix in the cupboard that’s begging me to make cupcakes. That’s not even the worst part, though, because I’m able to avoid those since they’re obvious. I’ve been falling prey to frozen waffles, processed peanut butter, and the occasional bowl of cereal. (I also had a completely “duh” moment when I reached for a very sugary green tea when we were out to lunch on Saturday; luckily I noticed after the fact and only drank about half of it.)

I’m not mad at myself for these things, but the perfectionist side of me feels disappointed. Considering all of the resources on eliminating sugar emphasize cutting it out 100%, I feel as though I’m not really reaching my goal and won’t notice any difference because of it. But, I’m starting to realize that I’m adapting to my situation – while I wish I was living on my own and had complete control of the groceries that come into the house, that’s not the case and I’m dealing with it accordingly.

In general, though, things are going pretty well. I make conscious decisions to avoid sugar and even other snack foods. How I feel has been inconsistent in terms of my stomach, although I do notice I’ve been a little bit cranky and lethargic. I’m still doing a lot eating because I’m bored, but I’m more aware of it and try to stop myself when I can.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find a stretch of days when I can avoid sugar completely, but that’s going to take careful planning to make sure that I eat full meals and am busy enough that I don’t eat out of boredom. Overall, though, considering my main goal was to cut back in any fashion, I’m labeling this a success so far.

dear diary.

{♥}
I'm the queen of recording and analyzing my life, so it's no surprise that I have three separate places where I write out my thoughts. There's this blog, of course, where I analyze some of my feelings, talk about a specific topic or tell a story. I have a private blog online where I record my day-to-day activities, because that can get tedious to read for anyone but me. The third is my handwritten diary, which is obviously the most private of all, and is filled with undeveloped thoughts and ramblings. But that's where most of my "ah-ha" moments come from.

Last night I was still trying to figure out this melancholy feeling that's been following me around since last week. I was scribbling down ideas in my purple, floral-print, spiral-bound notebook that I call my diary, but none of them pinpointed the problem. Then, in the middle of one sentence, a thought crossed my mind, and suddenly it clicked.

My problem is that, in my relationship (and even occasionally in my friendships), I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. At any given time, I believe that I am too quirky, weird, bitchy, and/or messed up, to the point that I don't deserve friendship or love. Even though people express that they love and care about me, I keep waiting for the day that they realize how screwed up I am.

With my friendships, I've learned to cope with this and realize it's a silly (and irrational) fear. When I have a low moment, I can prove my fear wrong by recalling specific events and things that were said. But when it comes to my relationship, one that's only three months old, it's not that easy. Considering I truly believe that I'm not as intelligent, nice, personable, or enjoyable to be around as everyone seems to think I am, it's hard not to expect someone to walk out of my life.

There isn't much to be done about it - our relationship is still on the new-ish side and while I long for us to reach that point where I don't have this fear looming over my head every day, it's something that's only going to improve with time. For now, I just have to work on my confidence and ignore my instinct to distrust and discount anything nice E says to me.

I always knew I had an issue with this, but I never realized how much I obsess over this fear of abandonment until it all came pouring out onto the pages of my diary. It's proof that I should make a better habit of clearing out my thoughts by writing in it as often as possible, because I'm more likely to solve some internal struggles in the process.

Do you keep a handwritten journal or diary?

lovely weekend.

{♥}
This weekend was one of those weekends when all of the separate pieces fall together seamlessly, creating an awesome couple of days.

It started out with a quiet night at home noshing on cheese and crackers, drinking wine, and watching ridiculous television with mama on Friday night. On Saturday, I had my first official wedding outing as a bridesmaid. I got to try on and order the dress I’ll be wearing for Danielle’s wedding, spent time gushing about wedding stuff with two of my best friends, met one of my fellow (junior) bridesmaids, and was treated to a yummy lunch by Danielle’s mom.

I stopped on the way home to pick up the new Britney album, went out to dinner with my family, and even snuck in a nap. Then E came over and we watched the UK vs. UCONN game, took turns playing games on his iTouch during commercials (okay, so I kept playing through the game, since I hate basketball), and E won the March Madness pool he had taken part in. We watched part of Euro Trip before falling asleep and I actually slept through the night, which is a rarity when I don’t have my bed to myself.

Sunday was spent sleeping in, lounging around, and having more wedding discussions over Facebook. It was a relaxing end to what was really a perfect weekend. I wish they could all be this lovely.

ready for april.

{♥}

As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking forward to April. Warm weather, Easter crafts, plans to see my friends, and a little surprise project in the works had me eager to turn the page on my calendar.

This is definitely going to be a big month for me. After reading some books about being a bridesmaid*, it really hit me that my involvement in two weddings in the next twelve months was going to mean being healthy and as anxiety-free as possible. I'm starting to take my goals more seriously anyway, but having another impetus is always a plus.

I tend to haphazardly declare the beginning of every month as "my month" to make improvements, but the problem is that I make that decision the night before. This time around, I've had my mind set on really starting in April and practiced eating less sugar, eating more fruits and veggies, drinking more water, and exercising this week. Now that it's April 1st, it's time to kick off the training wheels. While I'm still lacking things like a formal list of goals and any sort of meal planning, I can make do with what I have and develop a better laid-out plan over the weekend.

What will this plan entail? The usual. Drink more water. Stay away from sugar completely, or at least as much as possible (more about that next week). Start trying different grains instead of defaulting to pasta. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Recognize when I'm actually hungry and not just bored. Exercise daily. Get back to sleeping when the rest of the world sleeps.

But first, a recap of how March went for me.

Get healthy. Getting there. Though giving up sugar has been hit-or-miss, it has helped me be more aware of what I’m eating on a daily basis. I’ve been trying a lot harder to eat healthy by avoiding sugar as well as fattier foods. I also started taking probiotics every day, and although I haven’t felt much of a difference, I have faith. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea lately, so my water consumption has probably gone up, and I started easing myself back into exercising this past week.

Work on my anxiety. Oh yes, my loves. Including my visit to Melissa’s at the end of last month, I took two – two! – successful, anxiety-free, longer-than-an-hour trips with E in the car with me. I don’t talk about details of my IBS on here much, but for whatever reason my nerves mess with my stomach on car rides to my destination, resulting in at least one pit stop. Having someone else in the car usually amplifies the problem because I become more aware of and worried about it. But these two trips? Not. a. stop. (Okay, one stop on the way to Katie’s, because it was my bladder’s turn to be a whiny bitch.) It doesn’t seem like a big deal and is a little TMI, but honestly the fact that I made these two trips without incident speaks volumes.

Live in the moment. Not really. The month flew by because I was always looking ahead to the next big thing. When I was actually in those moments, I was worried or preoccupied. One of the only times I recall really being present was when it was extremely warm and I dragged a chair outside and read books, skimmed magazines, and just looked up and observed the clouds.

Stay in touch. Yup! I was lucky enough to see quite a few people this month, including all of my (local) dance girls. Anyone I couldn’t see in person this month received Facebook messages, e-mails, and texts so I could stay up-to-date on their lives.

Be me and stop worrying what other people think. Yes and no. For the most part, I was good about this one. But some of my more emotional days were filled with self-conscious worrying about my personality and life choices, particularly how they affected my friendships and my relationship.

March's goals fared better than February's. I (slowly) started eating healthier and cut out some sugar. If you count Guinness cupcakes with Bailey’s frosting as a “meal,” then I tried one new recipe this month, and I made it through two books about how to be a kick-ass bridesmaid. As for applying to jobs, getting my butt to the dentist, and cooking actual meals… those didn’t go so well.

Goals for April: make a written-out plan to improve my life; try two new recipes; schedule that damn dentist’s appointment (seriously! I have multiple cavities that I’m aware of!); apply to jobs; break my "addiction" to sugar and snacking; read at least one book; start replying to blog comments; decide what to do about self-hosting (switch to Wordpress or stick with Blogger).

I have a really good feeling about this month, so I'm ready for it to start. Let's go, April!

*Yes, I actually read books about being a bridesmaid, for a couple of reasons. One, despite being obsessed with weddings, I've never been in or even attended one, so I wanted to get more informed about what a bridesmaid actually does. Two, I like to be prepared in general. Three, yes, I am just that excited about it.