he ran into my knife ten times.

Things that happened this weekend:

• I battled a Mysterious Illness (I tested negative for strep and mono) that made me feel like my throat was being ripped to shreds.
• We celebrated a belated Christmas on my dad's side of the family for my cousin and his girlfriend.
• A new (albeit incredibly second-hand-embarrassing) family joke was developed.
• I traveled to all the drugstores and dollar stores in the area and could not find a police badge for E's costume.
  
• I baked two batches of cookies and a couple dozen red velvet cupcakes.
• Target had colorful tights on clearance and I had to stop myself from buying a pair in every single color.
• Melissa hosted a kick-ass Oscar Watching-slash-Costume Party. See her recap here.
• My hooker boots made their return and were actually appropriate for the occasion - my costume (we had to dress from a previously-awarded Best Picture film):
  
  
  
  One of the six merry murderesses of Cook County Jail (from Chicago).
  {picture stolen from Melissa}
  
  
• I won the ballot contest, which is kind of a miracle because I hadn't seen any of the movies on the list and guessed (pretty hastily) on most things. I also beat E by just one point; he's not happy about it.
• Wine consumption.
• I had the ever-awkward "oh hey I have a blog" conversation with E. Doubly awkward? He'd already been reading without my knowledge. I wanted to melt into the floor.
• E and I stayed up way too late talking, which was good and bad - good because of the conversations we were having, bad because they were happening at four in the morning.

So, how was your weekend?

handwriting meme.

Well, I've been tagged once again by my IRL buddy, Melissa (whose blog you should definitely be reading), to participate in a meme. This one's super cool because I get to show off my handwriting, which I've been told is awesome (I beg to differ, but that's because I've my biggest critic).

Answer the following questions using regular old pen (or other writing implement) and paper:
1. What's your name/your Blogger name?
2. What's your blog's name/URL?
3. Write "the quick fox jumps over the lazy dog."
4. Favorite quote?
5. Your favorite song?
6. Your favorite band/singers?
7. Anything else you want to say?
8. Tag 3-5 other people

This is my casual, not-trying-too-hard handwriting. I tried not to be extra neat just because I knew it was going on the internet. What do you think? If you have nice handwriting, you should definitely try this out and link me! I love seeing how people actually write.

quick birthday wish.

Happy birthday, mama.
♥

{ Housekeeping note: I changed my e-mail address! If I'm on your contacts lists or you feel like adding me, you can now reach me at caitfindsbalance [at] gmail [dot] com. Feel free to also add me to your GChat lists, as I'm trying this new thing called being social with my blog readers. ;] }

{ Update on Emily: Over the weekend she went back into the ER because of a high fever and low oxygen levels. They were worried the fungus or another bacteria had gotten into her bloodstream, but it turns out she has the flu. It's not great news, but is much better than something having entered her bloodstream. Please continue to send thoughts and prayers for her recovery, and thank you so much to everyone who's been praying for her. }

grace in small things.

• The snow is all melting and I was finally able to get the Christmas lights off the bushes in the front yard.
• I wore a dress to work yesterday.
• My boyfriend can actually quote most of the sixth Harry Potter movie (and I'm assuming all of the others; it's something he can do with any movie he's seen several times), which was surprising because I just assumed he had never seen them.
  
• I've been making plans with people left and right - by the end of the month, I will have touched base with almost all of the lovely people in my life.
• My Valentine's flowers are blooming like crazy. I can't stop taking pictures of them and grinning from ear-to-ear. They're gorgeous. (Thanks again and again to my boyfriend, who clearly has good taste.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Glee performed 'Take Me or Leave Me' and I just about died (it's one of mine and Lyndsay's fave songs).
• My friend Emily is doing so well after her surgery - she was already back in her hotel room yesterday afternoon and has been feeling great!
• I bought myself lots of yummy candy from the Valentine's Day clearance section at Target.
  
• Queen Britney released the video for HIAM and it is amazing.
  
  

Happy Friday!

attack of the meme.

Quick update: Emily's surgery went splendidly. They were less invasive than expected, they removed what they needed to (a small mass of fungus from her lungs), and she didn't need to be put on a respirator after surgery (which was a concern). She's recovering beautifully and was joking with the doctors soon after waking up. I believe she has another procedure next week, though I'm not sure the nature of that one. Please keep her in your thoughts!

--

I've been meme'd! These questions took me a while, considering I copied them down as soon as I was tagged, which was two weeks ago. I am the queen of procrastination! Let's get to it.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or as members of your family?
I don’t currently have a pet. The pets I once had were, to me, just animals (sad, I know). My parents adopted a cat before I was born – Nigel, a black cat who was probably an adorable kitten but grew to be a fatty – and he had to endure my toddler years. Needless to say, there wasn’t much bonding going on there. I also didn’t have any emotional or familial connection to my hamster, Lily.

However, that being said, there were a few cats at the shelter I volunteer with that I loved very much. I think that all future pets I’ll have will be loved like family because they would actually be mine.

2. If you could see one of your dreams come true, which would it be?
This is a tough call. It would either be me becoming a wedding planner (or working for one) or opening a dance studio with Ashley. I can’t choose one over the other – they’re both tied for my big Life Dream.

3. What is the one thing that you hate the most?
Vomit and vomiting. Sorry if you expected something profound. I do hate many other things, but nothing more than that.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Donate to charity. Pay off anything I could for my parents, and probably give them both a fair bit of spending money, just for being awesome. Pay off anything necessary by my aunts/uncles/cousins. Buy a new car. Buy a house. Buy my parents a house. Give some to my friends for whatever they wanted – paying back loans, tuition, buying a house, or a dream wedding. Open a dance studio. Make sure I never work another day in my life except towards something I really and truly want. Save for my own wedding and for my hypothetical children’s college tuition and weddings. Buy every silly thing I’ve wanted and considered expensive thus far in life, like a snazzy laptop and phone.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
The right music and space to really dance. I mean like, sweat it out, pull some muscles, do moves I can’t really do, look completely ridiculous but feel like I’m the most elegant creature on earth, honest-to-goodness dancing. Either that or baking.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
In my experience, it’s being loved. They’re both almost equal, but the feeling I get from knowing that I am loved is one that isn’t exactly paralleled by loving someone. Maybe it’s because, for me, loving people comes easily. Nobody is obligated to love me, so when they do, it’s something really special.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
I start by settling down with some quieter music. I’ll either shower or just put on pajamas and wash my face. Then I brush my teeth, turn down my bed, do some yoga and stretching, read a quick Bible verse, occasionally read a bit of something else, then set my alarm and turn out the lights. I also mix some TV-watching in there sometimes, but only if I really can’t fall asleep.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
I wish I had a cute, romantic story, but our actual first meeting was back before I could’ve ever fathomed that we’d be dating. It was my junior year of college when he was visiting Natalie (his sister, for those who missed that memo) at our townhouse, and since he arrived while I was in the shower and Nat’s room was right next to the shower… I greeted him wrapped in my towel. (He claims to have no recollection of this, which, I don’t understand how you forget something like that, but maybe that’s just me because it was embarrassing.)

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
My life would be complete if I could watch Travis Wall or Billy Bell choreograph a routine from the start. I’ve seen their work in terms of the final product, but to see them toy around with choreography and watch how it comes together would blow my mind.

10. What kinds of books do you read?
Mostly light and fluffy fiction, though I don’t read nearly as much or as often as I should.

12. What’s your biggest fear?
Failure. It’s easy to pick that because it’s an overarching fear. It covers my fear of not being able to hold a job, losing all my money and being poor. It covers my fear of losing friendships because of my failure to keep in touch. Even the idea of failure sends me in a tailspin, which is why I’ll often opt for not trying in the first place (see: college career, improving my health, finding a job).

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Nope. I have no desire at all to visit outer space in any capacity. So bring on the Doritos!

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
I would rather discuss the absurdity and vagueness of this question, but I won’t. My answer is single and rich. Poverty terrifies me and being married essentially means nothing in and of itself. Even if we’re equating marriage into love, I still stick with my answer.

Here’s why: if we’re talking about making this decision right now, as happy as I am in my relationship, I am nowhere near that commitment level. If I were single, I would be happy to remain relationship-less if it meant avoiding poverty. The only difference would be if this question were posed when I was in a deeply committed and loving relationship, and even then, that person would have to be pretty freakin’ special.

(If that seems harsh, I should say that I’m assuming that being “poor” means that, for whatever reason, I’m incapable of making money no matter what I do. And the level of poverty is the kind when you barely have enough food to eat and don’t have running water, etc. I’m sorry, but no amount of love from a guy is going to make that okay.)

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
He’d be taller. Not that I have a problem with the height difference (I absolutely don’t, for everyone reading who knows him and if he happens to be reading this [in which case he better fess up to reading my blog]), but I honestly can’t think of anything else I’d want to change. So that’d be it.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I quite like my name. When I was younger, I wanted my name to be Stephanie. I guess if I had to choose now, though, I would pick… Bella.

18. Can you forgive and forget, no matter how horrible the offense is?
I forgive extremely easily, and I’ve never been offended strongly enough to not forgive somebody. I can’t say how I would react if something horrendous was done to me, but I would make my best effort to forgive. I never forget, though. My mind is a steel trap in many ways, specifically with regards to things that affect me emotionally.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
As long as they were made fresh every day and weren’t sitting as leftovers in my fridge, I’d eat Italian sub sandwiches forever.


I don't have anyone specific I want to tag. Feel free to steal these questions and answer them, though! Or, if they're too intimidating all together - pick one from the list and answer in the comments.

a request.

My college graduation party, May 2009.

The first memories I have of actually hanging out with Emily are from when her family hosted Christmas caroling when I was still a pre-teen. She was a few years younger than me – three to be exact – but I remember hanging with her and her friend as we walked through our neighborhood in chilly weather.

It wasn’t until a couple years later that we started really hanging out. I spent a lot of time one summer playing with the younger kids down the street, and since we were closest in age, we began to bond. Afternoon games of Spud turned into movie nights, pool parties, invites to family events and church gatherings, sleepovers, trips to the mall, and everything in between.

For a while, she was one of my best friends. We’d do our makeup together, watch old home videos, bond over dancing, and spend hours on the internet. I ate ice cream out of her fridge whenever I wanted and essentially became a part of her family. Since she lived down the street, I knew her older sisters from elementary school when they were my classroom patrols and her parents from just living in the neighborhood.

Being crazy on New Year's Eve 2005.

We celebrated lots of things together – New Year’s Eve 2005, her eighth grade dance, dance recitals, her sweet 16, and a handful of graduations. We shared anything and everything because we were so comfortable with each other. She ended up being a sister to me.

Since going off to college, I haven’t spent a lot of time with her. We still chat occasionally and when we do see each other, it all falls back into place. I joined her in October to celebrate her twenty-first birthday, where I got to meet her new niece and catch up with the people I consider my second family.

The reason I’m telling you this story is because she struggles with quite a few health issues and will be going into surgery tomorrow to try to help her feel better. She was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis (amongst other things) at an early age and, in the past few years, her ability to breathe well has been diminishing. She spends a lot of her time at home and isn’t able to do simple things like go to work or take classes.

Birthday girl! At her Sweet 16.

Despite her challenges in life, Emily is one of the most positive, bright and cheerful people I know. If you met her on the street, you would never know all that she goes through on a daily basis. She has an unshakable faith and an optimistic outlook on life. She is a social butterfly, talking to any and everyone and taking an interest in whatever you have to say. But she’s also a girl who just wants to grow up and live her life, like everyone else.

They’re hoping that the surgery tomorrow will help her breathe better, but there are no promises. All I'm asking is that you keep her in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow so that she has lots of good vibes sent her way and that God watches over her. I don’t normally ask for things like this, but I felt compelled - like I said, she’s like a sister to me and I want only the best for her.

If you'd like to do a little more, feel free to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation by going here.

my valentine.

{+}

It’s watching game shows and trying to one-up each other. It’s feeling comforted when my pillow smells like him the night after he’s slept over. It’s tackling the immense list of movies I’ve never seen, him cluing me in to which ones are the ones I need to see. It’s him always rubbing my arm, scratching my back, or running his fingers through my hair. It’s poking fun at each other, getting fake angry and trying to be stubborn, then laughing about it when one of us breaks. It’s the way he holds my face with his hand when we kiss. It’s spending a day or more together and still missing him once he leaves. It’s him singing off-key and not caring. It’s being complimented and told I’m beautiful more times in a few months than I probably have been my whole life.

I feel like this relationship has taken me by surprise, both with its arrival into my life and how well it’s been going. Things have fallen into place the entire time and sometimes, it’s hard to believe we’ve only been officially dating for just over a month and hanging out since December. To me, it feels like months have gone by.

Things have been so comfortable and effortless. I can be myself and he doesn’t think I’m weird (or, at least he doesn’t tell me I’m weird). Leading up to the actual relationship, I was so concerned that my life was too big of a mess to be involved with someone else. Turns out I was wrong about that – I just needed to realize it would be okay with the right person. I’m so lucky to have someone who’s considerate and understanding, who offers to help in whatever way possible and doesn’t mind if we spend most of our time relaxing at home.

The overall feeling I’ve had throughout this experience is that this is the way it’s supposed to be. I feel lighter than I’ve felt in quite a while, and although I can’t say it’s all due to my relationship, it plays a pretty big part. Most days I wake up and fall asleep with a smile on face because of ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts. My friends have commented that I just seem a lot happier.

Though I may not know exactly where it will go from here, I know that for now, he’s one of the best things to happen to me in the past few years. I am truly a lucky girl.

--

I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day, whether you're in a relationship or not. If you're single, take time to love those around you and yourself - it doesn't all have to be about romantic love.

take my hand.

I'm no stranger to the wonderful Ingrid Michaelson, but this week I finally got around to downloading a fair number of her songs and this one has been on repeat. Not only do I adore this song, her version of it is just heavenly.

Plus, with Valentine's Day right around the corner and me being a month into my relationship, it makes me feel extra swoony.

Happy Friday!

chocolatey goodness.

Folks, it's almost Valentine's Day. That can only mean one thing: time to go all Martha Stewart on random people in my life. Last night I spent some quality time with my (mom's) stand mixer, our finicky oven, and two bags of Dove chocolate. Don't worry if these pictures give you a crazy chocolate craving - the recipe's at the bottom, and they were totally easy to make.

The willpower it took not to eat half of these is really indescribable.

Any batter that includes melted chocolate as a key component is a-okay in my book.

More chocolate!

Confession: I make huge messes when I bake.

Final product in it's perfect form - cool enough to eat, warm enough that the chocolate bits are still melty.

I also made a batch of snickerdoodles, since they were all the rage at my birthday party last month. These are destined to be packed up and sent away to a few lucky folks - half will be in a care package to Lynds and the other half are off to Mark's place, since he's got a humongous test coming up at the end of this week.

Of course, this is just phase one. Phase two has yet to be dreamed up, but will include yummy treats for both my family and my Valentine. And then in a week, I have to figure out what to make for my mom's birthday! I love having so many excuses to bake.

---

Original recipe, found in a magazine (can also be found here, but they use Snickers instead of dark chocolate bits).

Chocolate Fudge Chunky Cookies

Prep time: 25 min.
Baking time: 10-12 min.
Difficulty: Easy

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
• 1 bag DOVE® PROMISES® Milk Chocolate
• 1 bag chopped DOVE® PROMISES® Dark Chocolate
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup flour
• 1 teaspoon almond extract
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder

WHAT TO DO:

1. Coarsely chop the DOVE® PROMISES® Milk Chocolate and melt them either in a bowl on top of a double boiler or in the microwave for 1 to 1-1/2 minutes.
2. Stir the chocolate until smooth. Add the sugar, butter, eggs and almond extract.
3. Stir in the flour and baking powder.
4. Add 1 cup of chopped DOVE® PROMISES® Dark Chocolate.
5. Drop heaping tablespoons of batter on an ungreased cookie sheet.
6. Bake in a preheated oven at 350 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes.
7. Cool on the cookie sheet.

Makes 2 dozen cookies.

ten on tuesday [vol. 19].

{via}

1. What’s your favorite kind of donut?
Mmm, I love them all. Is that an option? If I had to pick, I suppose I'd say French cruller or Boston Cream, depending on what mood I'm in. (Also? I really wanted to try the one in the picture above, but when I went in Dunkin today, they didn't have any. They did have a reverse Boston Cream, which I should've tried, but maybe next time. Now I'm on a mission to get both.)

2. Do you use the snooze button?
I abuse the snooze button, as a matter of fact. It's really not a healthy relationship.

3. Do you write in cursive, print, or a combination of the two?
Most of the time I write in print. I use cursive for writing in my diary or composing letters/cards. It's a combination of the two when I'm writing quickly, like when I used to take notes in class.

4. Tell us a joke.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cows say.
Cows say who?
No, cows say moo, silly.
(My dad just told me that one the other day. I died. Proof that I laugh at anything.)

5. How many languages do you speak?
Just one, sadly. Even though I took Spanish for four years (starting in middle school, mind you!), I don't have a good recollection of what I learned.

6. Why did you start blogging?
From the very beginning, in the days of Xanga, it was to record my day-to-day activities and socialize with my friends.

7. Do you use bar soap or liquid body wash?
Depends. I have a ton of liquid body wash but I don't keep it in the shower (my mom doesn't like clutter), so if I remember to bring it in from my room, I do. Usually I'm too lazy and just use bar soap.

8. Do you buy bottled water?
My family does, yes. We use a Brita pitcher most of the time, but I'm the only one who has a reusable water bottle, and my mom likes to bring water with her everywhere. There are a few cases stored in the basement, but we definitely don't go through them as fast as we used to.

9. What did you think of the Super Bowl Half Time Show?
Mostly garbage. It was an awful clusterfuck of all of their songs mashed together in an unappealing way. There weren't enough dancers on the stage, so when the camera would show the Black Eyed Peas just standing there, it looked boring. Bringing Slash into that mess was an injustice and Usher was the only redeeming quality, because he can dance and had backup dancers.

Honestly? I'd love to go back to when MTV was allowed to sponsor the whole thing. The Aerosmith/NSYNC/Britney Spears combination back in the day was epic.

10. How do you feel about Steve Carell leaving The Office?
Meh. I don't watch the show regularly (I'm catching up via Netflix) so I'm not truly invested in the show or characters that much. Since I haven't been watching, I can't really make a comment on if/how the show will be affected by the loss of his character. I guess we'll just see what happens. I will be sad if it causes the show to flounder and be canceled, because I do find it pretty hilarious.

These questions are a part of Ten on Tuesday which is run by Roots and Rings.

so long, january; hello february.

Aside from the heaps of snow Mother Nature bestowed upon my town, resulting in a sore back and a sick Cait, January has been very kind to me.

I got a midnight kiss from and started dating a wonderful guy who is really a breath of fresh air in my life. We’ve spent this month getting to know each other even more and tackling the (very massive) List of Movies Cait Has Never Seen But Should Have. He’s supportive and kind, likes the same music I do, and is willing to eat the Lifesavers I don’t want even if he hates the flavor.

I turned 24 and reflected on being in such a better place this year than last. My emotional debts about many things were settled and this month only reinforced a lot of things. Reconnections were abound – catching up with Ashley, a wedding-obsessed discussion with my two engaged best friends, wine and laughter with my cousin, closure and a point of understanding with Mark, and discussions that necessitated my Safety Scarf with Melissa. I also made new connections in the wee early hours of 2011 with the girls who’ll be my fellow bridesmaids in Natalie’s wedding.

I’ve grown to think less and feel more, to live in the moment and not worry so much. I’ve overcome, to a small degree, the stress I get from traveling. I’ve become quite the texting pro, though I’m sure E would tell you that I’m still a slowpoke. I’ve felt lighter and happier, believing more that things will get figured out and less like my life is over.

And now, a quick resolution check-in:

Get healthy. Nope. I was still in holiday recovery mode and then I came down with a cold, so all hope has been lost for now.

Work on my anxiety. Somewhat. I’ve started re-reading an anxiety book that I read a while back before I thought it applied to me. Now I’m reading it with a fresh outlook and hoping it will be a helpful precursor to going into therapy.

Live in the moment. Yes, and it’s been wonderful. I still over-think things in my spare time, but when it comes to the actual moment, I just go with my gut.

Stay in touch. Yes and no. I’ve been good about seeing mostly everyone, but not so much on following up. Ideally I would like to be in communication with my friends more frequently, even if it’s just through a random text or e-mail, and I haven’t accomplished that.

Be me and stop worrying what other people think. For the most part, yes. I’ve been honest with E about my health/anxiety and have acted like a complete goofball in front of him without a care. But, again, in my spare time I worry about it a bit.

Some additional goals I have for myself this month: successfully complete a secret project for my friends; start eating healthy; apply to jobs (and hopefully get one!); schedule a dental appointment; learn to cook at least two new meals; read at least one book.

I'm just as excited for February as I was for January. Let's keep it going, 2011.

i'm kind of a big deal.

A few weeks ago, I was surprised with a lovely award from Angela at Lariats and Lavender - The Versatile Blogger award! Awards are my favorite because they make me feel Important and Special, so many thanks to Angela.

Rules!

• Thank & Link back to the person who gave you the award
• Answer 10 questions
• Pass it along to 7 blogs you've recently discovered and enjoy
• Leave your recipients a note, telling them about the award.

Questions!

1. Why did you create this blog?
The point of my blogging has always been to get things off my chest and recount events that take place in my day-to-day life. As for the creation of this specific blog, it was a step up from my Diaryland blog. I was mostly copy-catting my friend Melissa because something about this platform appealed to me.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?
I follow mostly personal blogs, along with a handful of topic-driven blogs, like those about being positive, crafting, and weddings.

3. Favorite Make-Up Brand?
I can't say I really have one. When I was a teenager I was quite partial to Maybelline, but nowadays I just buy whichever products work best for me.

4. Favorite Clothing Brand?
Forever 21. Again, I'm not really a brand loyalist and I don't shop for expensive clothes. Considering I shop most often at Forever 21, however, I guess it would qualify as my favorite.

5. Indispensable Make-Up Product?
This is a tough one. I would say my loose powder foundation from Maybelline, because I would be nothing without it. It's the one product I absolutely always put on if I'm going out or if people are coming over because it covers up my blemishes and the dark circles under my eyes. I can do without everything else - mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blush - but I'm in love with my loose powder.

6. Favorite Color?
Pink!

7. Favorite Perfume?
I usually only use body spray and my favorite right now is Amber Romance from Victoria's Secret.

8. Favorite Film?
Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I can't really say why, but I have seen it so many times and think it's fantastic. My favorite part is when he takes over the parade and pretty much any time he talks or looks directly at the camera. Also? I'm pretty sure Matthew Broderick was my first celebrity crush.

9. What country would you like to visit and why?
Ireland. I'm half Irish and, for some reason, feel a strong connection to that part of my heritage. Going to Ireland always felt right to me. Now that I'm older and have seen pictures on the internet and from friends who visited there, the urge to go is even bigger. It's really the only place internationally that I'm dying to go visit.

10. Would you rather forget to put on mascara on one eye or forget blush on one side of your face?
Blush. I don't wear that much anyway, so it probably wouldn't be noticed if I only did one cheek.

Since I'm typing this up so late, I don't have the energy to look up bloggers to pass this on to at the moment (I know, I know, I'm such a spoil sport). Hopefully I'll find some time tomorrow, but regardless, anyone can feel free to take these questions and answer them.