happy halloween!

Happy Halloween, lovely readers of mine!

I hope you're having a wonderful day. It's gorgeous weather here, if not a bit chilly, so we're already getting trick-or-treaters at 2pm (mostly the smallest, cutest ones so far).

Anyway, I've got a football game to finish watching (J-E-T-S!) and some tea to drink, so without further ado, here I am in full costume for today!


Full costume (please ignore my fairly messy room).


Close up!

Love, Katy [Cait]y Perry

my history with pumpkin carving.

Twitter and the blogosphere have been buzzing with Halloween-type activities, including the ever-popular pumpkin picking and carving. As I scrolled through posts and clicked on picture links that had been tweeted, I realized the number of times I actually laid hands on (or in) a pumpkin was very small. In fact, after some careful research – flipping through old photo albums – I came up with an exact number: two.

1993, 6 years old.
This one barely even counts, since my dad probably did 99.99% of the work.
(Also? Matching haircuts! That my dad did! And I cried! /hate)

Yes, there have only been two times in my life (at least that I can remember and/or have been documented) that we carved pumpkins in this house. And, as far as I know, I’ve never set foot in an actual pumpkin patch. The closest thing I’ve done is gone on a haunted hayride.

1997, 10 years old.
I can safely say that the only reason I carved this one was because it was a Girl Scout or Boy Scout project.
(To clarify, the reason it could also be a Boy Scout project is because my mom was den mother, so I got to take part in all the cool craft projects).

Needless to say, for the past few years I kept meaning to at least go over to Shoprite and pick up a pumpkin, but it never happened. I even bought a kit that I thought was cool – it wasn’t to carve the pumpkin, but instead turn it into a Light Brite-type display. After passing over the kit for at least three years now, I decided it was time. I picked up a medium-sized pumpkin to use with the kit and three baby ones to decorate with my yet-to-be-used Martha Stewart glitter set.

My camera died right as I was getting started, so I there aren't any 'before' pictures or ones of me pulling the insides out of the pumpkin. To summarize the experience, I didn't realize how hard it is to cut through the pumpkin, had fun gutting the pumpkin, was unsure of how good the end result was going to luck, and completely forgot that the light that comes with the kit I bought changes colors. Here are the results.

My bat, which was the only decent-looking stencil from the kit.


My fiber-optic pumpkin in action!


Glitter pumpkin!


Spotty glitter pumpkin!

Overall I'm very pleased (read: extremely giddy). Any craft project that includes glitter is automatically amazing in my book, and the fiber-optic-type kit that I used ended up being really cool!

I'll be back on Sunday with a picture of me in my costume, but until then, have a fabulous Halloween-y weekend!

bullet lists, how i love thee.

• Sometimes I have a dream I love so much that it keeps me happy for the rest of the day. Like, I'll just stop what I'm doing and remember it and it brings a smile to my face. This probably means I'm a humongous weirdo.
  
  
• I'm preparing a post about how I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was like, ten and how I don't think I've ever actually set foot in a pumpkin patch. I feel supremely deprived, which is why I'm finally getting a pumpkin (from Shoprite).
  
  
• While Ash, Cort and I were waiting for the dancers after the So You Think You Can Dance show the other weekend, we discussed the discrepancy over what you call a store where you purchase food. The three of us call it a "food store" and say we're going "food shopping," but apparently most(?) people say "grocery store" and "grocery shopping." It was interesting to talk about because 1) I never realized people really said groceries and 2) now that I think about it, calling it the food store sounds really weird.
  
  
• Reading my way through the Harry Potter series for the second time is really weird. Most of Prisoner of Azkaban was hard to get through because they demonize Sirius Black, but it was worth it once I got to the moment when Harry finds out who he is.
  
  
• Speaking of which, I am seriously going to lose my shit when I go to see the first part of Deathly Hallows next month. Every time they show a commercial, I stop everything and watch intently, and then I'm overcome with excitement. I really should hurry up to make plans and figure out who wants to go see it with me. (Any takers? I'm looking at you, Melissa... I mean, we met over Harry Potter, I feel like we're destined to see it together.)
  
  
• I'm already Christmas shopping, and I'm equal parts proud of and disgusted at myself for thinking about it this early. Methinks I'll go with something homemade this year for at least part of everyone's gift considering I don't have the biggest budget. I also need to get started on making cards because I want to make them fancier than last year (as if anybody really cares about the details except me).
  

ready for halloween.

This weekend was dedicated to preparing for Halloween. I shopped for my costume, perused the seasonal section of Target for some goodies, and put together the candy bags for trick-or-treaters. It was an all-around productive weekend.

I finally took a pick-and-stick attitude about what I wanted to be and went on a search for all things Katy Perry. Because it was difficult to replicate the looks from ‘California Gurls’ without spending a lot of cash, I made the decision to find a wig and a Katy-esque outfit. Considering I don’t have any plans and will just be answering the door, I figured it wasn’t worth going overboard.

The hardest piece to find was the wig. I wanted to go for what Katy’s most well-known for, which is blue hair. After searching the pop-up Halloween store and finding nothing, I ended up at Party City but still couldn’t find blue. I was stuck between purple and pink. Purple probably would’ve been a better choice in terms of authenticity – I don’t think I’ve really seen Katy with pink hair – but I went with pink anyway. I had already found an absolutely ridiculous pink-accented leopard-print top at the mall (on the clearance rack, shocker) and besides, I outfit myself in pink whenever possible, why should Halloween be any different?

On Saturday I got to work on the Halloween hand-outs. With the exception of the past four years when I was at college, we always put together and hand out small bags of candy. I decided to bring it back this year because, I mean, who wouldn’t want multiple pieces of candy from one house? I remember getting the little bags and thinking JACKPOT.

So much candy, om nom nom.

Finished products!

Plus, this way, we have lots of variety in our leftovers and we can start eating them as soon as the bags are done, instead of waiting for Halloween to be over. It’s a win-win, really.

Even though I’ll just be settling in for a quiet Halloween weekend, I’m still really excited. Dressing up is one of my absolute favorite things to do and, for some reason, I just love handing out candy.

What are your plans for Halloween? What are you dressing up as?

you know we're superstars.

I have a confession: I love Ke$ha. Well, I don't care one way or another about her as a person, but damn, her songs are super catchy.

Her newest song came out last week and I haven't stopped listening to it since. It was on the radio for the first time yesterday as I was driving home from work, and to be quite honest, I think I deafened myself temporarily from turning the volume up too high in my car.

Anyway, please have a listen and realize that I appreciate the song for what it is - a completely manipulated, auto-tuned piece of non-artistry that serves no other purpose than to pump you up for, well, just about anything.

So here's your anthem for weekend-type activities. You're welcome.

just keep swimming.

A couple of months ago, I realized that at the core of all of my recent emotional struggles was a lot of grieving over all of the changes in my life. In the past year and a half, I dealt with graduating from college, not seeing my friends as often, losing the battle to keep a strong friendship with my cousin, breaking up with my boyfriend, and dealing constantly with my health problems. Once I understood that it was grief, I was able to work through some of it instead of crying into my pillow every night because I was so overwhelmed.

Fall of last year was my lowest point. I still hadn’t fully accepted that I was done with college and that I would never see my friends as often as I had while at school. I was in complete denial both about my health issues and my deteriorating friendship with my cousin. It all upset me because I had no control over it. The only thing still intact at that point was my relationship.

Since then, I’ve gained closure about moving on with life in many ways. By the end of January, I’d say, I was finally okay with the idea that my friends and I were moving into a new stage in our lives. I also accepted that my friendship with my cousin was never going to be the same and that I should stop putting in so much effort to save it if she didn’t care.

In the spring, I realized my relationship with Mark needed to end, but it was an emotional rollercoaster all throughout the summer. I never mentioned much here and don’t want to go into a lot of detail, but as much as I tried to imply I had moved on, I hadn’t. It was an example of my horrible indecisiveness because I couldn’t decide if the decision we’d made was right. When he was stressing out and bringing it to me, it was the right decision; when we would hang out and get along, it was the wrong one. It wasn’t until I realized that I could find the good parts of our relationship somewhere else without all the negative ones that I was able to completely wash my hands of it. We’re still friends, but there isn’t anymore emotional flip-flopping on my part. It was an incredibly difficult decision to come to terms with, but doing so took a lot of weight off my shoulders that I didn't even realize I was holding.

Even with all of those accomplishments, all of those changes that I’ve finally accepted and settled in my mind, there’s one that continues to linger: my health issues. It always comes back to that. I could write pages about it, how I’m tired of feeling like I have no control over it, how often I think about what I could’ve done to prevent it, how I just want to go back to my old self, or how I constantly think about all the things I could be doing if I were healthy. It’s becoming harder and harder to tell people that no, I’m still not better and no, I haven’t really tried much.

There are things I should be doing, OTC medicines I can take and changes in my diet that should be relatively easy. Something, though, is holding me back – fear. Fear that I’m going to try any or all of the suggestions out there and that I’m not going to get better. Fear that this truly will be something with which I’ll have to constantly struggle. Fear that I will never have the life I’ve always wanted – hosting parties, going out with friends, being an event or wedding planner, even being a mother – because I’ll be too hampered by my illness. That’s really the part of it that keeps me up at night, that makes me cry and feel lonely, because it’s really difficult for anyone else to understand.

I know I’m making myself sound like a victim when I’m the only one who can fix my problems. Still, though, I want to say this: be thankful if you are untethered by health issues, either physical or mental. For much of my life I held back from things not because I couldn’t do them, but because I chose not to because I was afraid. Now that the ability to choose is taken away from me in most instances, I realize how much I took it for granted. It sounds silly and dramatic to say that considering I just have IBS and not something worse, but it’s really the truth.

As much as I’m afraid of none of my efforts being worthwhile, I don’t really have a choice. So I’ll keep trying and keep pushing and hope that some day, I can look back on this time in my life and be glad I made it through.

you can't stop the beat.

In the summer of 2006, I started watching a little show called So You Think You Can Dance. Being a dancer, I had a whole network of friends who adored any and all things related to dance, and they were all urging me to watch it. I actually skipped the first season (which was on during the summer of 2005) and didn’t really get into the show until the middle of the second season. And then it was all over.

Season two was, by far, the one I obsessed over most. There were two dancers I absolutely loved (Benji and Donyelle, for anyone who watched), but even the whole Top 10 was amazing. When it was announced that they would go on tour, I was ecstatic. When I found out (from the forums – yes, I’m a forum junkie) that they would stick around to meet fans after the show? I just about died. Normal people would get this excited over celebrities; I was freaking out about dancers.

Meeting Donyelle and internally freaking out.

That first year, the anticipation of meeting these people was overwhelming. I attended two shows that year because at the first show, I couldn’t stay late and didn’t get the opportunity to meet everyone. At the second show, I was with a group of girls whom I had met over the internet and we had an absolute blast standing out in the cold, waiting for the dancers. It was an experience I’ll never forget.

The Waterbury Crew with Ryan (one of the dancers).

Since then, my passion has died down from a level of obsession to one of enjoyment. I’ve been to the tour every year since, although there were a couple shows where I skipped out on the meet-and-greet afterward. This year, though, I was back at it. I attended the show on Sunday with my two best friends from dance, and it was fantastic. They even brought back* the traditional "surprise" encore to You Can't Stop the Beat!

When the show let out, we took our familiar spots behind the barricades, waiting for an hour in the middle of Newark to meet some amazingly talented folks. And you know what? As casual as the waiting felt and as calm as I was for most of it, I still freaked out when my favorites approached.

Billy Bell! Oh my freaking goodness, this kid is ah-mazing.

My family thinks I’m weird for getting so excited over something that seems so irrelevant, but I really don’t care. Judge me all you want, but I’m a huge dance geek and so I'm going to obsess over some dance "celebrities."

*Here's where my obsession comes back into play: You Can't Stop the Beat was one of my favorite dances from Season 2 which they then used for the encore that year on tour. It was also used for the Season 3 and 4 tours, but then last year, they didn't use it! I was so pissed. So I was very happy to have it back. #geekmoment

procrastifectionism.

In college, I went to a conference where we attended student-run programs throughout the day. One had the theme of finding ways to de-stress, which is a topic of interest because I am always stressing about something. We did some yoga - picture thirty students doing downward dog in the hallway of an academic building - and ended by going outside and screaming our faces off.

In between those activities, though, we had a discussion about why we were all so stressed in the first place. The leader explained a new term to us that nailed it right on the head for me and many of the other students there: procrastifectionist. Or, a procrastinator plus a perfectionist.

Throughout college and in many other areas of my life, I did things on the fly. Papers were written last minute, place cards for parties were made sometimes the morning of, scrapbooks were put together into the early morning hours of the day they were being gifted. Some of my best work was done when I knew I had no other choice than to sit down and finish it, but my body and mind were never happy with me for making those choices.

Experiencing these things - procrastination and perfectionism - at the same time isn't just a coincidence; they go hand-in-hand. Whenever I took on a project, the pressure was immense to get it just right. That pressure made me put it off, no matter how illogical that seems. Then, once it got to crunch time, I could sit down and get it done, knowing that if it came off as less-than-perfect, I could blame the limited time I had. Better yet, I could pride myself in knowing that I produced something almost-perfect even in such a short time span.

All of this sounds incredibly ridiculous, but I have a feeling a lot of people can relate. Unless you're one of those people with the amazing willpower to start projects as early as possible and finish them well before deadlines, in which case, I am insanely jealous. Honestly, though, if I were able to just let go of the idea of "perfect," there would be no need for all this anxiety (and often times sleep deprivation).

So. This is my protest of perfect. Right here, right now, I'm owning up to the fact that I am not perfect. Nobody is, in fact, and it would probably do you some good to at least consider that you're not, if not fully embracing that fact. But, you know, baby steps. The following are real, true statements about me, my imperfectness wrapped up in a pretty little list.

I:

...can't sing well.
...love to create.
...say 'I don't know' when I don't want to open up.
...doubt myself and my abilities.
...have a hard time trusting people.
...cry at any and all sappy movies or television shows (or commercials).
...dance because it's my only area of true confidence.
...use dance as a means of being outgoing.
...am terribly indecisive.
...get excited over the littlest things.
...never ask for help.
...see things through rose-colored glasses.
...feel guilty when I don't ask enough questions about other peoples' lives.
...do nice things for people because I know I'd like someone to do them for me.
...hate hurting people.
...have very little patience.
...shut down mentally if someone pushes me around.
...consider myself incredibly socially awkward most of the time.
...obsess.
...love too much and often don't express it well.

...am not perfect. But who wants to be perfect, anyway?

my friday in pictures.

This morning, after going through the grueling process of waking myself up, I found out that my boss didn't need me to come in today. Faced with the decision to curl back up in bed for the day or go into super productive mode... I actually went with the latter.

First up: clean up the aftermath of World War III going on outside my house, between us and the squirrels.

Spoiler alert - the squirrels are winning.

My secret weapon and proof that I get to use the Big Boy yard work toys.

My next task was to decorate our front yard for Halloween. This is why I could never leave suburbia, because where else would I be able to practice my mastered art (yes, it's an art) of applying faux spider webs to the landscape?

After that I was pretty much exhausted from how hot it got (make up your mind, fall), so I headed inside for lunch and a poor attempt at cleaning out the bathtub and sink drains, which are both mildly clogged. We had purchased the Turbo Snake which, while semi-helpful with the sink, was basically a waste of money. I quickly moved onto something at which I knew I'd be more successful - an interior design project!

Our living room has a great big wall above the sofa that needed to be filled, and after a bit of brainstorming with my mom, we came up with the idea of matting and framing pieces of pretty color-coordinated paper. Creativity win!

Our big, empty wall.

Frames ...

... plus paper ...

... equals pretty (and fancy)!

The finished product.

It may or may not be evident that the frames aren't exactly even, which is irking the shit out of my perfectionist side. My mom said nobody will notice; I told her it doesn't matter, it's going to continuously give me the shakes. The problem children might just need a different hook to hang on, so I may be able to remedy the situation for the most part. Otherwise though, I'm completely happy with it.

And now, since I got a minimal amount of sleep last night, it's time for a grandma-style Friday night, which means drinking tea and going to bed by ten. Happy Friday and happy three-day weekend!

thursday tidbits.

{via}

• I've been thinking too much about Halloween costumes, probably because I'd rather do that than worry about the serious things in my life. Considering I haven't been invited anywhere, I probably won't need a costume for anything other than answering the door to hand out candy, but just in case I have two options: Hermione Granger or Katy Perry (a la California Gurls, but not the cotton candy or whipped cream outfits). But, if I end up only needing a costume for trick-or-treat duties? I'll probably just be a princess. Or a black cat. Again.
  
  
• Hi, my name is Cait and I have Wedding Fever. Since it's basically my dream to be a wedding planner, I've always been a little over-obsessed. Before this month, I had a few blogs that I followed, but most of the time I just skimmed the entries. But now that my friends are talking more seriously about getting married in the next few years, the subject has been on my mind. I've recently tracked down more blogs and saturated my brain with everything wedding-related. Pretty crazy, since I'm the only one out my little circle of college friends who's not in a long-term relationship and am probably the farthest from actually getting married. In fact, I'll probably end up as the crazy cat lady. A wedding-obsessed crazy cat lady.
  
  
• Speaking of weddings... one of my best friends got engaged on Sunday and I am over the moon about it! As soon as she said, "I have something to tell you," I was 99% sure what she was going to say next. I'm just all swoony about it because she's the first in our group, and her boyfriend FIANCE is amazing and I just... ahhhh! Melissa put it perfectly when she texted me this reaction: "OMG WE'RE GOING TO A WEDDING!" Which is jumping the gun a bit (okay, a lot), because I'm pretty sure the actual wedding won't be for a while, but it summed up how I felt completely.
  
  
• Why are all my television shows making me cry? And I don't just mean getting misty-eyed, I mean full-on sobbing. First it was Project Runway last week, with bringing the moms in and then everything that happened with Mondo. Then Glee was totally emotionally jarring on Tuesday with the Burt Hummel storyline... ugh. More happy! Maybe I'll just go watch the Britney episode of Glee again (which was EPIC).
  
  
• Apparently I still have a middle-school mentality about boys because, when discussing my crush with my friends recently, I shuddered at the suggestion to be the first one to make a move. I think I'm doomed to shyness and social awkwardness for the rest of my life.
  
  
• I bought a bag of Jolly Ranchers the other day at Target, and holy blast from the past, Batman! My teachers in elementary school always had Jolly Ranchers in their snack jar as "prizes" for being good, and I really haven't had them since then. It was amazing, but I'm not a fan of the blue raspberry flavor (which wasn't an original). I'm a green apple and watermelon girl all the way.
  

fashion friday: month five of six months, six dresses.

Although I like to associate cooler autumn weather with September, the reality is that it still feels a lot like summer for most of the month. This has been particularly true this year, as it was still muggy and warm this entire week despite the rain. So for that reason and not at all because I ran out of time this month, I'm featuring another sundress and this is one that I already owned.

I believe I picked this up at Kohls on a total whim two years ago. I was looking for a simple, summery dress and thought the bright green would be a good addition to my wardrobe. This dress gets worn to death because it's so fitting in so many situations, to the point that the little plastic bits on the adjustable straps both broke at the beginning of this summer. Luckily I was able to sew the straps and continue to wear it. The following are just *a few* of the occasions at which the dress made an appearance.

Lady Lumps getaway in Seaside on the boardwalk, with Kohr's custard and taffy, 2008.

Annual visit to the shore house, 2008.

Grandpa's 80th birthday, 2009.

Ashley's 25th birthday party, local edition, 2010.

Natalie's grad school luau-themed graduation party, 2010.

Needless to say, it was a really good purchase. Not only have I worn it to parties or at the beach, but it's comfy and works as an around-the-house outfit as well. It is by far the piece of clothing I pick most often out of my closet in the summer, and I always get a little sad when I have to pack it away for the winter.

{This post is part of a series called Six Months, Six Dresses dreamed up by the ever-lovely and inspiring Kyla Roma. I'm actually straying a bit from her idea by including dresses I already own and starting in May instead of April. If you wanna get in on the fun, click the banner above and join us!}