for the snow-less.

Happy Friday! I'm snowed in... again... but I have a treat. In addition to a few snowy pictures, I also took some video last night after I shoveled.

Be warned that the wind is really loud in the beginning and gets loud every once in a while, so don't have your speakers turned up a whole lot. Also, I'm pretty incoherent at times because I was tired and cold, so don't mind if I say things that don't make any sense. Finally, my apologies for the shaky camerawork - especially when I turn the camera vertically towards the end - again because it was cold and I wasn't really thinking how it would all turn out. (Oh, and I also drop the f-bomb at the end, just a warning.)

Here you go! I hope you snow-less people can appreciate your non-snow-ness because um, this sucks.

snow day from cait* on Vimeo.

And a few pictures, as well.

random thoughts.

Some random thoughts today, because I can't form any of them into a full blog entry at the moment.

• Getting lost in my blog archives is fun. Doing so and then realizing it's 6:30am at the end of it? Not so much.
• My newest tactic in the battle with my cousin: a passive-aggressive, wistful tumblr entry. Which likely won't even work. She'll probably a) not notice or b) spew some "things change" nonsense at me.
• My room is in desperate need of a cleaning and some tidying up here and there. All week, after dinner, I plan to get to it but have yet to do so.
• I am such a lazy bum. Everything I want to start working on never happens because I'm daunted by the amount of work that needs to go into it. These projects include: crafting with the intent of starting an Etsy shop; learning to bake and decorate sugar cookies; meal planning and determining what foods are good/bad for me.
• I'm really, truly done with the snow. We had rain all week and it was beautiful. Spring is on the horizon and I really don't have the patience to shovel more snow and deal with being snowed in again.
• Since I'm stuck in my house most of the time these days, I've been brainstorming ways to make money from home. I haven't really come up with anything. This makes me sad.

And thus concludes the most exciting entry ever. I think I'll go watch ladies figure skating now.

housekeeping.

There's nothing like combating a cranky mood with a blog overhaul. After toying with Wordpress, I decided that I didn't really like it, so I committed to revamping what I've already got.

If you're reading in Google Reader, I seriously encourage you to click over if you haven't already. There's a fresh new layout (no more pink! ...okay, a little bit of pink), new buttons and graphics, and little goodies here and there. There are some important things to which I'd like to call your attention:

• The Facebook button. You'll see that, on the right, I've added a button for Facebook. Anyone who's interested can feel free to friend me on there, but please just identify yourself if you choose to do so.
• The e-mail button. It never occurred to me that my e-mail wasn't easily accessible, so now it is. You can send me any questions or comments you have, or just say hi!
• Google friend connect. At the very bottom of the page, I added my followers via friend connect. Go ahead and add yourself to that if you'd like as well.

That's pretty much everything. I'll probably still be doing a bit of maintenance over the next few days and if anything major is added, I'll let you know.

jam packed weekend.

For the first time in a long time, I had an entirely busy weekend, from Thursday night through Sunday, and it was wonderful.

On Thursday night, I stopped by to see my aunt and catch up while watching Project Runway. I hadn't seen her since Christmas! She and I are pretty close - she does a good job of keeping in touch with all her nieces and nephews because she's all about family. Plus, she's Lyndsay's mom, so I spent quite a lot of time at her house when I was in high school.

Friday was meant to be a quiet day, but then I got a call from Natalie that she and Danielle, along with a bunch of other people I hadn't seen since college, were going to meet for dinner. I debated for a little while because I knew I had a packed weekend, but since I was feeling pretty good, I said yes. We met up at Olive Garden and chatted for a few hours and it felt just like junior year all over again.

I spent my entire Saturday with Katie and Melissa. We talked about how we had unusually-timed wedding fever and all the things we wanted to do for our weddings, got Chili's To-Go and decided it was the best idea ever, and had some more therapeutic discussions. There was also a little bit of blog entry rehashing - I looked over my entries from freshman and sophomore year - and it really fun to go back.

Then Sunday was a little more laid back - we headed out to visit my aunt and grandparents for my mama's birthday. They share a two-family home in Bayonne that my mama grew up in, with my aunt and cousins living on the top floor and my grandparents living on the first. It's a really lovely little house that I absolutely adore, and it always comforts me because it's such a familiar place. We had pizza and, of course, two kinds of cake for the birthday celebration, and talked about everything from the Olympics to family drama.

I was definitely ready to have a "recovery" day today, and in true Monday fashion, I woke up feeling exhausted and had awful cramps. So I have every excuse to lay around being lazy. It's days like today I'm so grateful I don't have a full-time, 9-to-5 job yet.

So, how was your weekend?

"way too thin."

I have been a very lucky individual in that I have never struggled with my weight. That being said, being skinny isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Throughout my life, mostly when I was younger, I had to deal with everyone thinking I had an eating disorder. I understand that people are just being cautious because eating disorders are a big deal. But after hearing it so many times, it gets pretty frustrating. Recently, I've had a family member of mine express concern and it's irking me to no end.

Let me back up and give you a summary. I was stick thin my entire childhood, up until I went off to college. It was a combination of being in dance classes at least three days a week and having an extremely active metabolism. I would eat everything and anything and not suffer any consequences because I would work it all off in dance.

When I went to college, I put on weight. This is a fact. I'm not trying to say I got fat - which is what most people assume I'm saying - but I legitimately put on a good ten to fifteen pounds by sophomore year. At the same time, I grew into my body a bit more. After that I fluctuated within a five-pound range of weight. In my senior year, however, I completely dropped the five pounds due to my health problems and anxiety.

Back to the issue at hand, the problem I have with this person is that I believe this all stemmed from the comparison between me and my eighteen-year-old cousin. She went off to college this year, grew out of the same gangly, bone-thin body frame I had and put on her "Freshman 15." We used to have identical body types and perhaps there was a even time when she was slimmer than me, so I can see how the contrast between us is larger than usual.

This is really the only reason I can think of for this person to bring it up, because I honestly don't think I look any different than I did the past two-ish years. To be told I'm "way too thin" is just ridiculous. Maybe it's just sitting on me differently; I don't really know. But the concern had to have started somewhere, and I'm thinking that maybe that's it.

Sometimes I feel weird putting things like this out there. I know that there are thousands of people who struggle with their weight and would kill to be in my position, but there are two sides to the spectrum. Overall I think that nobody should judge another person based on weight unless there is clear evidence that there are problems, whether it be someone eating more or less than is really healthy. As much as the media pushes the idea that being overweight is bad, it also creates a backlash for skinny girls because people become hyper-sensitive and will suspect an eating disorder after just one half-eaten meal or one refusal of a snack.

I've always been comfortable with my body and my eating habits and always will be. I make changes when I feel they're necessary. Still, no matter how okay I am with myself, whenever the "are you eating" question rears its ugly head, it is always a cause for frustration.

good thing i've got all this chocolate.

Oh, internet. Do you know how tiring it is to be a Google Maps liaison for a traveling boyfriend who is neurotic and calls every hour to find out how much further until his six-hour trek from New Jersey to West Virginia is over? I DON'T THINK YOU DO. I feel like I'm the one who's been stuck in a car for hours. The best part (yes, it gets better!) is that tonight I get to spend a couple hours over the phone prepping him for a medical school interview, then do the whole where am I, how many more miles thing again tomorrow! Relationships are awesome.

(I kid, mostly. I'm just tired and emotionally drained because I had sympathy-anxiety for him having to drive six hours, potentially in snow.)

Good thing he left me with these over the weekend:

And if that wasn't enough Valentine's Day swag, my weekend kicked off with the arrival of a Very Special Package on Saturday morning - the one from my Be My (Blog) Valentine. I was more excited than was probably appropriate when I saw the mail truck pull up and drop it off, but dude, I totally had reason to be that excited because when I opened it? It was filled with awesome.

ZOMG!

Upon opening the package it was revealed that my secret bloggy valentine was Brittney from LaMidge, and she totally pegged me. Included in the package was a pair of adorable and fluffy pajama pants, a custom-made dance music CD, Disney Princess nail polish (!!!), a face mask, a packet of raspberry zinger tea (my favorite!), and a bunch of goodies including some delish cookies, chocolate-covered marshmallows, and chocolate-dipped fortune cookies!

I had so much fun participating in Be My (Blog) Valentine. I loved every single thing in my package (thanks Britt!!) and I also loved putting together the package for my blog valentine.

And now, it's time for a nice helping of all of my Valentine's Day treats in preparation for the stress-inducing interview prep with The Boy.

about the boy.

A while back, The Boy and I were talking about my blog and I sort of promised that one day, I would write a blog about him. Not that it's something I need to be forced to do - I have plenty to say - but I'm not good with The Mushy. In person I am, but when I have to write about my feelings, especially for another person? Blahhhvomit.

But, I guess Valentine's Day is a good a time as any to talk about him.

Let's start with some basics. He does, in fact, have a name - Mark - although I rarely call him that (usually he's just 'babe' to me). The first thing anyone would notice about him is that he is ridiculously tall and lanky. I'm 5'7" and have always been known as "the tall one" amongst my friends and dancers, and he makes me look like the short one.

See? He's a giant.

He likes basketball and kayaking, is trying fervently to get into medical school, and has two best friends who are just as tall as him and are also studying to be doctors (I find the coincidences weird, he probably doesn't). He wears glasses for things like driving and even though he hates them, I really like them. He's can be a huge nerd at times and will always make the corniest joke whenever possible.

We first met in junior year at the EMS semi-formal. Mark was a part of EMS and so was my roommate, Danielle, so my other roommate Natalie and I went as her guests. Basically, my only interaction with Mark was being introduced to him - I spent the evening hanging out with my friends. We saw each other again briefly during our school's spring carnival, but again, it wasn't anything personal - we were both with friends and I don't think we talked at all.

Weeks later, in late April, he randomly friended me on Facebook (foreshadowingggg!). I remember being suspicious because it was completely out of the blue. Later that night, Danielle came back from studying with him and his roommates and dropped the bomb on me with the following story.

After she'd left the boys' townhouse, Mark came running after her to talk to her about something. She was worried because he prefaced it with a whole bunch of "I've never done this before" and "I don't know what to say," but then proceeded to ask her if she thought I would be at all interested in hanging out with him. And that's when my jaw dropped through the floor, because seriously, how often does something so adorable ever happen, never mind to me?! Needless to say, my friends and I were giggling like maniacs the entire rest of the night.

The earliest picture I have of us, from June of 2008.

Despite all this loveliness, Mark and I had a rough start. When we first hung out, which was smack-dab in the middle of finals no less, I felt we had absolutely nothing in common. It wasn't until we saw each other over the summer that things started to click. We started officially dating on June 3rd, but hit a really rough patch right after that regarding religion. Once we resolved that issue, though, we had relatively smooth sailing.

The two of us have been through a lot together. I've watched him struggle to get into medical school for two years, he's been there with me during my troubles with IBS. We are both quick to forgive which makes all the arguments we have seem totally worthless. He treats me like a princess in that he pretty much always thinks of me first. He'll go out of his way to do things for me if he knows it's something I'd like. When I'm sick, he takes care of me. When I don't feel like going out because of my stomach, he's content to stay in and eat Chinese food for the hundredth time. When I'm sad, he does every ridiculous thing until I smile and/or laugh.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful person as my boyfriend. My day isn't complete unless I've talked to him and most nights, we chat over Skype before going to bed. I honestly don't know where I'd be, emotionally and mentally, if it weren't for him.

I love you babe. ♥

my favorite valentine's day.

A photo essay.
Valentine's Day 2008, junior year of college.
Mysterious roses & girls night in.


Despite being sick, I wore a cute, theme-y outfit.


Decorations were put up...


...along with the obligatory tray of chocolates.


We all woke up to find roses at our door. They were a gift from a fellow accounting major who sprung to get roses for all the girls in our townhouse development. We didn't know that at the time, though, and had fun guessing.


Melissa got flowers from her boyfriend who was in England at the time. I was unnecessarily excited for her.


(They came in this absurdly huge box that we didn't know what to do with.)


Then Danielle, Melissa and I had our own personal Date Night. We watched Waitress, yelled at the TV, and cried.


Pajamas and delicious Italian take-out were involved.


So was this sparkling juice...


...that we couldn't open. See: distraught expression.


Eventually we figured it out; I don't remember how.


These chocolate-covered strawberries were also involved - a gift to Danielle from her boyfriend.

The end.

ready now.

Over the past few weeks, that little saying about insanity has been crossing my path again and again, almost as if the universe is screaming it at me. I'm talking about the quote from Albert Einstein - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That's basically the story of my life.

I have a hard time trying things for fear of failing. With my recent health problems, I've taken little initiative to change my diet even though that's one of the key steps to feeling better. Why? Because what if it doesn't work? My friends and family will argue, well what if it does; my argument tends to outweigh theirs. Changing your diet is a difficult task, never mind the fact that I don't even know exactly what is causing my problems. Could be sugar, could be artificial sweetener; could be vegetables, could be whole wheat. The problem is that I could very easily cut out A and overload on B, only to find out that B is the culprit. I just don't feel like I have the energy.

Being averse to change doesn't help, although my frustration with my problems is enough to counter that fear of something new. I did, at one point, find comfort in my IBS - I had an excuse not to look for a job straight out of school because "I needed to work on my health." Of course, I didn't do much to actively work on it, so obviously, nothing got better and I never started looking for a job again.

By doing all of this, I've realized how it is actually driving me insane. Staying at home all the time, having trouble leaving the house to go my part-time job or even just to Target, turning down plans with all of my friends - it takes a toll on my mental health. My unwillingness to try to fix things once outweighed the negatives about being sick; I was content sitting at home all day. Now, though, I've had far too much alone time and have missed out on so many opportunities, so I'm finding myself more eager to take action as each day goes by.

It kills me knowing that it's going to be extremely difficult. I have to stop eating processed foods, yet there are chips, cookies and frozen dinners in the house that are all easily accessible to me. I have to go for at least a week without certain foods even if I'm not sure that's the solution. The hardest thing of all is being unable to see immediate results - I have to keep at it, relying only on the hope that I'm doing the right thing. But if it means that at the end of it, I'll be better than I am now, I am absolutely willing to do it.

I'm ready to end this insanity that I've let rule my life, now that I no longer find any sort of comfort in it.

x's and o's.

If you weren't already aware, I am in love with all things pink and adorable. This means that Valentine's Day is up there next to Christmas as one of my favorite holidays.

My room is, appropriately, decked out in x's and o's, and I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on Valentine's Day gifties for both my boyfriend and my bloggy valentine.

Part of the reason that so much money was spent at Target is because I picked up two greeting cards for my parents and they were four dollars each. My mom scolded me for not checking the price, but they were greeting cards. Greeting. Cards. And they weren't anything special, either. I mean, I definitely expect to pay more for prettier cards, like ones from Papyrus, but these were your run-of-the-mill cards. I'm going to feel ridiculous, but I'm likely returning them. Eight dollars for two cards is not okay with me.

But more importantly, the lesson of the day is this: don't let me loose in Target by myself on or near Valentine's Day. Because apparently, all of these purchases were 100% justified because they were adorable.

superbowl ramblings.

Before college, I never paid attention to the actual game during the Superbowl. I was more interested in the silly commercials and pigging out on onion dip and chips. Because of the massive junk food consumption and resulting bellyache, I often thought that there should be an official school holiday the day after the game.

In my freshman year at college, I spent the evening with my three best friends at the time. We muted the game itself and tried to pay enough attention to turn the sound back on to watch the commercials. Then when the game was over, we ran to the convenience store on campus and back in record time to grab snacks before the newest episode of Grey's Anatomy (when it was still good...).

In sophomore year, my friends and I were the fresh new executive board for the Residence Hall Association. Our idea was a good one - serve free pizza and hot wings while showing the game on two projector screens and a big-screen television - but whichever teams were playing that year, there was little interest. Well, other than in the food. People lined up to get their pizza and went back up to their rooms. That's what you get when you hold it in the main lounge of the freshman dorms.

Junior year was the best Superbowl experience I've had to date. The Giants were playing and I was decked out in a bright blue shirt with curling ribbon in my hair (the dance team-er in me never died). We had learned from the prior year's mistakes and had ordered triple the amounts of pizza and hot wings, making sure to stow a pie or two away so we actually had something to eat. All day, we made sure the projectors worked and the sound was set up correctly. We duct-taped all the wires to the floor and set up the dingy tables, sofas and chairs. The room filled quickly with people, who promptly lined up to get their food. They were so ravenous by halftime that they were watching when exactly we left the room to pick up the second batch of pizzas. And although I paid literally no attention to the football season preceding the big game, I was giddy with excitement as (mostly) everyone cheered on the Giants. It was an incredibly exciting game, due mostly to the spirit of everyone in the room. Hands down, it was one of my favorite college experiences.

Since then, my Superbowl festivities have been rather calm. Last year I was sick in bed, not making it back to school in time for The Boy's party (for which I had actually made Superbowl-themed cupcakes). And today? I'm relaxing with my family, eating onion dip and chips again. Except this time I also have a Smirnoff Ice in hand. Which makes it infinitely more awesome than five years ago.

catharsis.

Since last post, I took an unexpected little bloggy break. I realize it was an icky post on which to end, but I really just needed to spend more time fixing the problem instead of dwelling on it. I do want to say thank you to everyone who responded because I've been a little lax on replying to comments and basically my response to each one is the same: thank you so much and big squishy virtual hugs!

Last Friday I spent the afternoon with two of my best friends from college, Katie and Melissa. It was so incredibly therapeutic in ways I didn't even expect. I had been looking forward to talking out all my problems and getting different perspectives on them, but didn't realize how happy I would be to see them and talk to them again.

Summer 2006, on our way to see Wicked on Broadway.

In college I had a rough start, but somehow made friends anyway. Katie was one of those friends and we bonded so quickly that we moved in together (each of us was having problems with our assigned roommates, so we switched within the first two weeks of school). Our room was all the way at the end of the hall, secluded in the corner among the rowdier residents of our floor. We put up curtains and had a non-school-issued carpet, along with a unique room set-up. There were many nights spent talking about our lives and being surprised at the parallels, specifically the fact that we both attended all-girls high schools and felt socially inept because of it. It made freshman year so much more bearable to room with someone who didn't want to party and drink, but instead wanted to watch Disney movies and talk about childhood memories. And, you know, somebody who wanted to read the dictionary with me.

Okay, so we don't actually read the dictionary. This was part of Katie's campaign for class president in freshman year, because clearly, reading the dictionary makes you awesome.

Then there was Melissa, and oh my God, I have never clicked with a friend faster. Nobody else even comes close to understanding my crazy, happy-go-lucky, let's-watch-Food-Network-and-call-Sandra-Lee-a-lush, Disney-crazed self as well as she does.That uber quirky side of me is often lost on people - I just take it to a level that most people aren't willing to go to, but Melissa somehow is. I met her through Katie, who had classes with her, when Melissa tagged along on a floormate outing to see Harry Potter 3. In sophomore year we roomed together and it was the most fun I ever had in college. It may not have been the most productive year, but we had a helluva good time.

Our first meeting. Love Friendship at first sight snarky movie commentary.

I'm sure this is true of everyone, but I make friends with people who share certain qualities with me. With Katie and Melissa, the range of topics we cover goes from discussing our life crises to what we think of the Jon and Kate fiasco. I find that we're all very open and eager to talk about things because we are looking for someone to validate our feelings and gently offer solutions. And that's exactly what I've been needing lately.