anger and regret.

I'm angry with myself.

That is the single biggest reason for my all of my troubles. Most days I can bury it, blaming sickness and anxiety and the poor economy. But I'm angry.

Angry that I wasted all of my potential. I used to be intelligent and hard-working, in gifted and talented classes throughout my elementary school years and in the highest honors class through high school. But even in high school, I got lazy. The game of school was boring to me, a waste of my time. Why study things that didn't matter, only to be tested on how well I can remember them? I never studied in high school; I relied on how well I knew the material overall and the review sessions my peers had during free period.

College was a disaster. I was studying something I wasn't even sure I liked and having to play another game. In my major, they basically set you on a track and you either succeeded the whole way through or fell off. I fell off before I had even started. My grades were terrible because I simply didn't care. It wasn't what I wanted. And besides that, it was the stupidity of school again. We were studying things we'd never need to know, only to be given incredibly difficult tests to see how many hours of our lives we'd wasted remembering and understanding something that didn't matter.

We were set up to get an internship after junior year and a job offer for after graduation. I showed no interest in getting an internship. By senior year, I was struggling to apply half-heartedly for jobs, knowing my GPA wasn't what it should be (or could be) and that in my heart, I didn't want it. Another silly ruse, these interviews were. "Tell us what you know about our company." You're just another accounting firm, with offices here and customers in this sector. That's always what I told them, in so many words, because I really didn't know what else I was supposed to say. I never had any questions, either, because it's all meaningless; I don't really care about what your program for women is about or why you won this award, I just want a job.

But now, I'm just angry and annoyed with myself. I had it easy, so very easy. All I needed to do was show up to class, study this nonsense and push out A's. I know I was absolutely, 100% capable of doing so. Even if I still hadn't been interested in an internship, I'd at least have had a solid academic background for when I interviewed for jobs. I could easily have had a job and at least that part of my life would be under control.

Everyone tells me the past is the past, that I should move on and continue with life. It's simply not that easy. Every day I have to deal with the fact that everyone around me is moving forward, that my accounting classmates are "successful" because they walked down the pre-determined path with ease. Whenever I look for jobs, I'm all too aware of how my past failures are hurting me. Combine that with the fact that I can barely leave this house to spend time with friends, never mind go on interviews, and I am just filled to the brim with regret.

And throughout this whole thing, I've found it's incredibly hard to forgive myself. I spend all my forgiveness on those around me, trying to avoid arguments and swallowing my opinions on things. I have none left for myself.

wherein i swoon over conan o'brien.

Dear Internet,

There's been love and heartache going on around these parts during the past week. Amongst all that, talking about a talk show host (again) seems kind of frivolous, but I'm going to go ahead and do it.

I've watched Conan O'Brien since middle school. Since that time, I have definitely had a secret crush on the man. He is hilarious and clever, always creating comedy that took time to plan out and deliver. And aside from the pastiness (which, hey, I'm pretty pale-skinned myself), he's kind of adorable.

Although the drama surrounding The Tonight Show and NBC seems to have shaken him, he continues to handle the situation with an enormous amount of class with just a touch of humor. His final show was bittersweet, but for the most part left me hopeful and proud. I am thankful that I have had the privilege of watching Conan on television for at least a decade and look forward to seeing him succeed in the future, wherever that may be.

Until then, I'll be off rewatching his final show over and over. Because giving an awesome speech and then jamming out to Freebird? Seriously made me swoon.

i love the internet.

Yesterday at noon, as you probably already know, the internet exploded with awesome. If you don't already know, check out this post, multiply it by about fifty (or more) okay more like a couple hundred people, add $2,000 donated and one very surprised blogger, and there you have it.

I heard about it late and was at work, furiously trying to make the 12pm deadline on a computer that still runs Windows 95. Just as the clock clicked to the magic time, I hit publish and headed off to Twitter to watch post after post come in. It was goosebump-worthy, for real. After about five minutes, I realized I should probably watch the video I'd just posted to my blog (like said, I was really late on this). I wasn't able to hook up my headphones, but even watching without sound I found myself tearing up.

As is probably the case with many of us, my friends and family in "real life" don't necessarily understand the connections made over the internet. Whether it's the slowly-decaying idea that people over the internet must be creepy stalkers or that it's just plain weird to call someone you talk to over Twitter a friend, I have gotten plenty of strange looks from those around me. But this is a shining example of how connected we all really are.

All of the love oozing from the internet and blogosphere yesterday has my heart filled to capacity. It's truly amazing how kind and caring people can be, even about people they've never officially met in person. If I ever need to explain to anyone what this whole blog and Twitter thing is all about, I'm telling them about yesterday. Because that? Pretty much explains it all.

love harder.

So once again I miss out on the wonderful amazingness of the internets until things are about to go down. But this morning, after a series of tweets by a few different people, I was intrigued. Turns out I had a huge reason to be because, um, this is beyond amazing.
Not too long ago, just after Christmas, we were all presented with a plea from one lovely blogger named Brandy. And when the internet is given a plea, we answer in a big, big way.

Our Plea

Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend. And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name. For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.

http://www.loveharder.org

Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure. And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.

Love Harder,

Cait

What You Can Do

• Give. Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide. Every dollar helps.
  
• Pass it on. Forward this story to five people. Share this blog post. Become our fan on Facebook. Love harder. Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next. Tell someone you love them today.

Where Your Money Goes

• The American Institute of Philanthropy recently named The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation one of the best organizations to give to in terms of their accountability and use of resources.


• By working closely with researchers, clinicians and partners in the biotech and pharmaceutical industry, the MMRF has helped bring multiple myeloma patients four new treatments that are extending lives around the globe.


• The MMRF has advanced twenty Phase I and Phase II clinical trials. They need your support to advance these clinical research programs and accelerate the development of better, more effective treatments.


• The MMRF’s Multiple Myeloma Genomics Initiative recently became the first to sequence the multiple myeloma whole genome in its entirety.


• A whopping 98% of your donation to the MMRF will be used immediately to support high-priority multiple myeloma research.


• With diminishing funding for early stage drug development and the next myeloma treatments not expected to be approved until 2011, the MMRF desperately needs your help.

Brandy’s Story can be found here
DONATE: http://www.loveharder.org/
CONTACT: theloveharderfund@gmail.com
FACEBOOK: http://facebook.loveharder.org/
MORE INFO: http://www.themmrf.org/

if i close my eyes.

This post is inspired by this post by Melissa.

If I close my eyes tight and turn on music from Colbie Caillat's first album, Coco, I'm transported to my junior year of college.

Opening the door in the morning to see everyone waking up, making breakfast, Natalie and I watching VH1 music videos. Donning scarves and walking to class together. Sitting in my room on a Saturday with the window open, overlooking the little bits of wilderness on our campus, the wind blowing in through my sheer white curtain with the flower decals.

Staying up late and talking about nonsense, eating microwaveable brownies, and cutting out pictures of shoes from magazines. Giggling and plotting over my pining for a silly boy. Watching The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, and Top Model. Knowing who was coming up the stairs just by the way they walked.

Walking across campus, carrying books; carrying art supplies; carrying a container full of candy corn and a pumpkin piñata. Going to lunch, dinner, wherever, and admiring our beautiful campus. Raising money at the local food store for RHA on an early Sunday morning, then having the whole day ahead of me. Speed walking on chilly nights to the spiritual center for Sunday night mass. Waking up at 8am on a Saturday to tape a video for the RHA conference and having a ridiculous amount of fun with the mascot costume. Going to conference.

Driving in my car, Natalie's car. Food shopping at Stop and Shop or Shoprite and using only one cart for four people. Buying supplies at the party store for a last-minute Halloween party. Stopping at Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte. Shopping at Target and the mall, eating at Applebees, Joe's and Panera.

*

If I close my eyes really tight and put on some Mika (Grace Kelly and Love Today), I can go back to sophomore year of college.

Pipe cleaners and foam dealies. Our Disney-themed dorm room. Mystery spot on the bathtub floor. Wearing the same colors on the same day, because we're secretly a girl band. Obsessing over SYTYCD. Off-putting drippy sounds coming from the H-VAC. Creepy bugs that disappear and have us turning the room upside down. The Infamous Flood and subsequent chaos. Photoshoot with the industrial fan.

Countless trips to Alli's dorm to have unofficial RHA meetings. Grueling walks to the RHA office at 9am on Mondays. Going downstairs to watch American Idol in Dan's room. Making t-shirts for Relay for Life. Spending an entire afternoon saving the Sibling Sleepover event. Pulling off Lions Fest as the new executive board of RHA.

Always ordering too much dessert. Buying grapes for $8. Mistake bites. Microwaveable Pasta Alfredo. Questionable microwaveable Thai meals. Trips to the convenience store all the time because it was so close. Watching American Idol. Imitating car commercials. The pre-relationship saga with Katie and her current boyfriend. Doing laundry in the basement. Realizing mid-year that we were using the garbage room the wrong way. Criticizing HSN, infomercials, Oprah, and Sandra Lee. Bambi wake-up calls. Underwear on the floor. The "fuck it" bucket.

*

And sometimes, if I try very hard, I can hear C'est La Vie from B*Witched blasting from the girls' bathroom on my freshman floor (because we're cool like that) and remember almost everything.

Taking showers together (in separate stalls) with Linds at 2am. Walking around in slippers. Getting food from the late-night dining hall in pajama pants at midnight. Sitting in Patricia's room, studying microeconomics or talking about life. Hanging out in Andrea's room during fall semester finals. Spending inordinate amounts of time in Ivette and Lindsay's room and mocking our drunk floormates. Creating birthday posters.

Actually going to every class. Visiting C4 for date nights with Katrina. Getting my workout in by taking the stairs to W9 and sneaking food from Alli. Doing community service in the bad part of Trenton. Going to see my theater and music major floormates in performances.

Taking the Loop to the mall for numerous shopping trips. Getting stranded at the movie theater. Going out to eat with Katie's family when they visited. Coping with the John Fiocco incident. Floor meetings. Ice breakers. Rearranging our furniture. Painting a mural to leave our legacy.

--
Note: Senior year was omitted because it kind of sucked.

what's truly important.

Last night I sat fervently typing away about late-night television and my affinity for a red-haired talk show host. I watched the news for information about the shake-up and was slapped back into reality by the reports from the earthquake in Haiti.

This isn't going to be link-heavy, because if you Google anything related to the catastrophe, you should be able to easily find news reports that contain stories and photos, as well as resources about how you can help. Even my trashy local pop-music radio station is rallying for support.

These are people who didn't have much to begin with. Electricity and water aren't a constant. The buildings there are made of concrete which means when they fell, they fell hard. There is no organized emergency system to deal with all of this. Drudge is reporting that there is a possible death toll of hundreds of thousands. Read that again. Not hundreds. Not thousands. Hundreds of thousands.

I know this blog is small. I know I don't necessarily have a ton of followers. But I sincerely hope that by posting this, I'll encourage my readers to do something if you haven't already. Whether you find a few dollars to donate or simply just pray, please do something. CNN.com is reporting that agencies aren't currently looking for manpower or clothing and supply donations - they just need money. I know we're in hard times, but our hard times cannot compare to the destruction Haiti is facing. The presidential palace has completely collapsed - again, if you Google it you'll find photos. Imagine that happening to our White House. That's what it's like. I know it's just a building, but the impact of that shakes me to the core.

One simple, easy resource I'm hearing about is that if you text 'HAITI' to 90999, $10 will be donated and will be applied directly to your cell phone bill. If you can spare that much, please do so. You can also go here to see a list of agencies accepting donations.

a letter to NBC.

Dear NBC,

You have fucked up royally. I don't like to drop profanity like that, in the first sentence of blog posts letters, but you deserve it.

Ever since the late-night lineup was changed, I've had an eyebrow raised at the fact that you were moving Jay Leno to a different time. But, you made promises that things would be different, and I foolishly believed you. Basically what you did was present me with The Tonight Show, repackaged and re-named and shoved into a ten o'clock time slot.

It was doomed from the start. I get that a talk show is cheaper to put on the air than a comedy or drama, but there was no way that a show that airs every day of the week was going to beat out new weekly episodes of others shows on other networks. Why? Because if there's a new episode of my favorite drama on, well, I'll just catch Leno tomorrow. Or the next day.

Then there's the issue of Conan not pulling in his audience. What do you expect? You kept Leno on for the older crowd, so they just watch him at ten o'clock and skip Conan. Like Conan himself said, the show was "never given a chance." Having yet another talk show on in prime time isn't going to keep an audience around waiting for The Tonight Show. They just watched a talk show before the news; why watch another one after?

It appears that you have some sort of love affair with Jay Leno, but you can't mix pleasure with business. Contracts were made, torches were passed. Conan was set to inherit The Tonight Show and in turn, Jimmy Fallon took over Late Night. You have such a boner for Leno that you can't stand to let him go, so now you're messing with the tried-and-true NBC late-night line up? That is an absolute disgrace.

Listen. If you were worried about ratings before, you're in a for a big wake-up call, NBC. The number of people planning to boycott your network is growing by the second because you're forcing our beloved Conan out. But we want to keep him, you're saying. Well, clearly he doesn't want to stay if you're going to fuck with the line up. It's time to let Leno go. I'm sure viewers don't need to be weened off of him and onto Conan; just make the switch and allow the new host to thrive in his surroundings.

Conan is an amazing comedian, writer, and host. He has put so much hard work into his career and the shows that he's hosted. Hell, he moved across the country and brought his family with him to take over The Tonight Show. If he goes elsewhere, I will gladly be following and you'll be pretty much dead in my book, and I know plenty of people who have the same opinion. Think carefully about the decisions you make.

Love and kisses,
Cait

lackluster.

On Friday I threw myself a birthday party. We had sub sandwiches and margaritas, played NES and Wii Mario Kart, and watched ridiculous YouTube videos. During and immediately after the party, I thought it a success.

But slowly, a sadness crept into my mind. What I had hoped the party would do for me didn't happen. I placed too much importance on it. I figured seeing all my friends would lift my spirits, make me feel better, or at least distract me for a night. Distract me it did, but not very well.

Catching up with everyone was a double-edged sword. It was wonderful to hear what they were doing, but with every new story, my heart hurt at the fact that I had nothing to share. Nobody really asked me what I was up to, probably because they all know I'm not up to much. And I can understand that - why discuss my problems on my birthday, a day when I'm supposed to be happy?

I felt mostly detached from everyone. Yes, I laughed at the boys being excited for NES, or at Melissa attempting to play Super Mario 3. I got excited over my presents and serving our margaritas with umbrella straws. But there were little moments, when everyone was talking to each other, telling stories about jobs and classes, when I felt completely alone.

That is, I've decided, the worst part of all of this. In a group of people where everyone is moving forward - especially among my friends where they're moving in leaps and bounds - I am standing achingly still. I'm the single person that is faltering, who's stuck with poor health and an unclear view of what path to take.

I hate saying all of this, I really do, because I know my friends read this blog. It isn't really their fault, but I know it would make them sad to know that I was unhappy. But I have to be honest with both myself and those around me. The problem is, simply, that nobody could've given me what I wanted for my birthday. Relief from my anxiety and health problems isn't exactly something you can wrap up in a box and hand to someone.

The bottom line is that I hoped this party would be something it never could have been. I correlated seeing my friends with feeling better without realizing that venting was a key part of the process, and obviously I wasn't going to have a mental breakdown at my own birthday party.

I'm trying to see my party for the success that it was, but I'm still finding it difficult. When this moment passes, as I'm sure it will, I'll have a recap of how it went. For now you can check out Melissa's little review, which I actually quite liked.

ten fun facts.

Today I turn twenty-three, and like last year, I'm finding it really, really weird. Anything past twenty-one is a weird age for me. I definitely don't feel my age at all. If you asked me and I wasn't paying attention, I would probably tell you I'm still eighteen. Or sixteen. Or, you know, twelve.

In honor of my birthday, I'm sharing ten fun facts about myself. Last year I posted twenty-two truths (and started off this paragraph the same! exact! way!), and although I was trying for twenty-three facts for today, I couldn't do it. Because I procrastinated. And I'm tired now. Right.

1. When I was younger I took both flute and piano lessons. I can definitely still play piano and could probably pick the flute back up easily.

2. I have a surprising affinity for rap and R&B music. This shocks most people who don’t know me well (see: my entire freshmen floor) because I seem to be your typical shy, quiet, nerdy and socially-awkward girl. However. I also took hip hop dance classes for seven years and am relatively good (this is equally as shocking for some people), so I’ve grown to really like listening to that type of music.

3. Speaking of dancing, my dream job is to be a backup dancer for Britney Spears or Lady Gaga. For serious.

4. When I was a baby, I never ever took naps. This usually amuses everyone because now I sleep whenever possible.

5. In high school, I was a layout editor for our yearbook. I actually never applied for the position because I thought I’d be doing dance team, but then that fell through. I attended the first few meetings of the year and hung out with the other layout editors because they were my close friends. I guess the advisors noticed and figured they needed one more editor, so I was appointed. It was seriously one of the best days of high school.

6. I am extremely organized when it comes to putting my clothes in dresser drawers. I cannot fathom just throwing shirts and shorts and things in there all willy-nilly. I tried once and just couldn’t do it.

7. I’m allergic to penicillin. Like, in a really bad, all-my-joints-swell-up kind of way. I’m also allergic to random fruits and vegetables, like apples, carrots, pears and peaches, but that’s in a non-life-threatening way.

8. One of my favorite things when I was a kid was having a double driveway. Most houses on our street have driveways that are only wide enough for one row of cars, but we have room for two rows. This meant I had plenty of room to draw all over with chalk, one of my absolute favorite things to do.

9. For a really long time, I didn't like chocolate at all. Now I adore it for the most part except for chocolate ice cream.

10. We've had only two pets in my house during my life: a black cat named Nigel and a hamster named Lilly. Nigel was around from before I was born and lived for eighteen years (which is FREAKING LONG for a cat). Lilly was my hamster and I had her from around eighth grade until sophomore or junior year of high school.

social media tidbits.

I've been pondering a lot of little things lately, mostly related to social media and how I'd like to use it. They're of moderate importance and all I really need is some feedback, so here's a little list. If you read this and you have an opinion on one of these things, please feel free to comment or contact me about it to help me gain some perspective.

• Should I get a Tumblr account? My RL friends have started getting into it, although nobody seems to know exactly what to do with one.
  
  
• Should I create a separate Twitter account for RL friends? Does anyone actually do this, or would I be crazy? I've gone back and forth on this only because I don't know how comfortable I would be with the exposure of my blog to people IRL. Sometimes I feel I would be okay with it (considering some of my friends and my boyfriend already read it), but other times I worry about too many people having access.
  
  
• Should I switch to Wordpress? I am totally that person who worries about putting time and effort into a project only to abandon it in the near future. Which doesn't make sense because I've been blogging for two years and I really don't see myself stopping. From what I know (which isn't very much), it just seems like a daunting time commitment because it's not as basic and user-friendly as Blogger is.

That's about it for now. Any advice is very much appreciated!