all over again.

I'm miserable.

That's not to say I don't have good days. I do. But the general feeling is that of hopelessness.

I have no job, and despite the joking around I do on here, I have not actively looked since the first week out of school.

Every day is the same thing. I wake up (late, then feel cruddy for doing so) and feel sick. I try to eat better, to develop better habits, but I give in because I give up. I figure, what's the point? I try to eat three "meals" even though I wake up at 3 or 4pm. And yet, I end up feeling better on a night that I skip the third meal and just snack on junk food. If I can't figure out what I'm eating that's bothering me, then my mentality is to just stop trying. Usually by the time I go to bed (4, 5, or even 6am), I'm frustrated with myself, but intent on fixing my habits.

I'm always so inspired and motivated when thinking about the prospects of the next day.

My sickness is not one that's pleasant. Is it a horrible, crippling disease? No. But sometimes it sure feels like it. Digestive problems are nothing to sneeze at. I'll just say this: I need to have access to a bathroom at all times, because usually when I have to go, I have to go NOW. Eating makes it worse, because my stomach gets full and triggers everything. Stress makes it worse, and if that isn't the most fucked up thing ever, I don't know what is. Why? If I decide to go out (and that's a big IF), I stress about any possible lack of bathroom access. By stressing, my guts cramp up, and well, it's one big wonderful cycle.

What does this mean? I don't eat out anymore. I don't go anywhere, aside from The Boy's house and my aunt's house. Unless it's someplace I'm completely comfortable, I have a hard time keeping myself calm enough to even get to where I'm going. And I don't even think about getting a job because I can't imagine making it through an interview, nevermind a full day of work.

I've always been nervous, and I've always felt it in my gut. Never, ever to this extent, obviously. But even as a kid, if it was a holiday or an important day at school, I'd wake up with a bellyache.

All of this has also deeply affected my social life. I rarely go shopping. I can't even fathom going to the beach, or sitting in the car, in traffic, for an hour. My cousin, who used to be my best friend, is at an age where everything is spontaneous. "Just call me for lunch and we'll go," she says. I can't do last-minute anymore. I need to know ahead of time so I can try to take meds that usually help. Plus, she always wants to be out of her house, which almost always means food, and that never really works out.

I make horrible assumptions because I think that's what people are doing with me. I've always had a paranoia about my friends, but coming out of college I had a solid foundation with everyone. And yet, as soon as it slowed down, as soon as I saw less of my best friends and talked less with them as well, I fall into my old ways. I create these assumptions on what they must think of me, why they don't have time for me, why nobody visits, calls, e-mails, or texts.

It's absolutely awful to be living life this way. And I feel like there's no way out, which is scary. My sickness is hampering every other aspect of my life. Every time I turn down the few invites I do get to hang out, I feel guilty and sad. I often don't offer an explanation because the tedious (and really TMI) details of my problem are not worth talking about.

Writing all this feels so familiar. I feel like I've already said all of this. Maybe it's because when one bad thing happens, the dominoes that are lined up again get knocked over and every problem becomes painfully unsolvable again. That thing, this time, was a response I got to a message I sent my cousin. I asked her why we don't hang out anymore, and why it seems she has time for her other friends, but not for me. Her response was more defensive than expected, and mostly made me feel like crap for even trying to explain my feelings. It turned me into a sobbing mess, even though I keep telling myself she's only 18. I always expect her maturity level to be on par with mine, and it's clearly not.

Well that's the end of my rant, for now. I need to take a hot shower and calm myself down enough to go to bed.

so you think you can dance?

I love dance, there's no doubt about it, and I realize I have what some may call an "obsession." I tend to get a teensy bit over-enthusiastic about it, especially when talking to friends. I'm particularly enthralled with dance shows on television, like America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance.

The latter of those two is my favorite TV show of all time. It beats out Grey's, LOST, even Jon and Kate plus Eight (yup, it even beat Aaden and his adorable glasses. I'm sorry, it was a tough call.)

So why am I bringing this up? Well, because this is my newest outlet, so now I'm going to babble to my readers about how amazing dance is. If you haven't already started watching So You Think You Can Dance (affectionately known as SYTYCD), I'm going to give you a couple reasons why you should definitely check it out.

First of all, it's the summer. There aren't a lot of new shows out, especially on weeknights, so it's great mid-week entertainment.

Second, dance is amazing. I'm not just saying that because I'm a dancer, but seriously, think about it. There are such a variety of styles, from ballroom to contemporary to hip hop. Dancing expresses any emotion and can tell many different stories.

Third, these people are pretty freakin' talented. I can understand not likely Dancing with the Stars, because some of the people downright suck and it's always ballroom. On SYTYCD, dancers are challenged to (and succeed at!) mastering all the styles given to them. Plus! This season is really, really good. Trust me. I've watched since Season 2. These people are good.

Still not convinced? Okay. Now I'm going to have to bring in the big guns - videos of some breathtaking performances.

A contemporary routine about addiction, choreographed by Mia Michaels and danced by Kupono and Kayla:



Another contemporary routine about friends deciding to hook up, choreographed by Travis Wall (a Season 2 contestant!) and danced by Jason and Janine:



And for all you disco lovers, a routine by Doriana Sanchez performed by Jeanette and Brandon:



So there you have it. I hope this convinced at least a few people to check it out if they haven't already. Performance night is Wednesdays at 8pm EST, and the results show is Thursdays at 9pm EST (although if you're not super concerned about who's going home and only wanna see awesome dancing, then you can probably just stick with the performance show).

Happy TV watching!

MCATs and new recipes.

Oh, Monday. This past week went by way too fast. I had off from work since my boss was on vacation (I work part-time out of her house) and it was bliss. Unfortunately, I'm still working out health problems, so I couldn't book every minute of my time to hang out. Mostly I just bummed around, actually. And visited The Boy.

Twice this past week I took the hour drive down to his house to help him study for MCAT (Medical College Admission Test). Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're right - I'm not doctor material and would never consider being a doctor. Plus, I'm pretty sure my hardcore fear of vomiting rules me out immediately.

However, on this Super Scary Medschool Exam there is a verbal section. That's where I come in. I can't really say I'm a pro (I scored a zero on one set of questions), but I'm pretty good. Good enough to offer some advice and a different perspective, anyway. So I've spent two whole days reading MCAT practice passages, and if you remember the SATs or have taken another standardized test recently, these passages are crazy and cover the strangest of topics. We did one about Typhoid Mary, another about how to improve your speaking, and yet another about the bible. Well, at least they're interesting.

We're making a fair amount of progress. Test day is July 30, so there's still a solid week left. I forsee another trip or two down to his house before that. I swear, his parents must think I'm crazy since I drive all the way down there just to help him study. My parents must think the same, actually. I guess I don't see it as a problem because I don't mind driving - I like blasting my music and getting some time to myself.

Other than that, I spent this weekend trying out some new recipes. My full-blown health kick lead me to making a yummy sandwich with turkey, provalone, black olives and lettuce, a blueberry smoothie, and an attempt at making my own tortilla chips.

The tortilla chips were a big, fat FAIL. But at least I know why! I think the oven was set too high, and also, I stupidly placed one of the trays on the lowest rack closest to the flame. So, of course, the bottoms crisped up before the tops did, resulting in them being burnt on the bottom but still soft on top. But it doesn't stop there, oh no. I still had the other tray that was successful so far. I turned my back to pour myself a glass of water and grab something else from the fridge, turned around to check on them, and they were already dark, dark brown. I was so, so frustrated because if I had just kept my eyes on them, they probably would've been really good.

Oh well. At least the sandwich and smoothie came out really well. Gotta take the bad with the good.

performance anxiety?

Like most things in life, I give up too easily on blogging. I open up Blogger, realize I don't have an immediate (and awesome) idea, so I just close the window and move on to something else.

I'm really terrible lately at having anything interesting to talk about. So instead of coming up with an idea, I'll talk about how I'm incapable of doing so. Brilliant, right? Except that this topic is pretty self-explanatory... and I'm just about done getting that point across.

Hm.

Sometimes I really feel I'm not cut out for this. Which makes absolutely no sense, because I used to blog (on Xanga) on the daily. Of course, that was just empty rambling about what happened in chemistry class or, I don't know, my friends falling off of treadmills in gym class.

Maybe it's performance anxiety. Back then, I wrote just to write and log my high school experiences. The only readers I had were my friends. Now that there is this whole idea of other people reading this, it makes me pause before writing. Not only that, but life is way less exciting than it was in high school. At least I think it is. Maybe I'm just not paying enough attention to little things, things that would make for charming or funny stories.

I know blogging is all about staying true to yourself, not trying to impress or cater to your followers. But that's really hard! I guess I'm just super judgmental and way too worried about what everyone is going to think (no surprise there!).

From today forward, I'm going to try harder to post whatever comes to mind and not be so critical of my writing.

i can swing higher than you.

Sometimes, all it takes is a few minutes on a park swing set to make everything in life okay again.











What's something in life that ALWAYS makes you feel better?

finally satisfied.

I am finally in the final stages of completely cleaning out my room, and it feels absolutely amazing.

For the past few weeks, I've had piles of random junk all over the place, waiting to be sorted through and put away. Projects like de-cluttering my closet, shelf, and desk were begging to be completed. I was desperately craving a new desk because the one I use now is too big for me.

Now, I have minimal random stuff left over - a few books I need to skim through before I give them away, some graduation gifts to hang up or put away, and a bag of clothes from Kohls that need to be returned. Over the holiday weekend, instead of enjoying myself at barbecues and lounging poolside (which, don't get me wrong, I really wished I was doing those things), I was gutting my closet, giving it a new coat of paint, and tossing out old clothes and shoes that I haven't worn in years.

Also, I just purchased my new desk from OfficeMax:



Don't mind the bright pink and blue, because I'm not planning on picking up those accessories. They make the whole set look very kiddish, although since it's called the "Darling Writing Desk," I'm assuming it's mean for kids and tweens. Nonetheless, it was a cheap, white, simple desk that fits in my room much better than this current monstrosity:



Granted, I have a moderately large bedroom, but this is just cumbersome. The door on the left-hand side is meant for a computer tower, and while I use it to store stuff, it just gets in my way. I also need a new chair, because folding chairs are downright intolerable, or at least this one is.

I think once I finally get my desk, rearrange my furniture, and clean up the remaining bits and pieces, I will be so completely satisfied. I've never been 100% happy with my room, for one reason or another. But I feel like I've finally made big decisions to replace crappy furniture and clean out unnecessary clutter, and you know, it was something I really needed to do for myself. Having a clean and organized environment always makes me feel more at ease and more productive.

This was the perfect distraction to work on while I battled my health problems, which are [fingers crossed] getting better day by day. I think now I can finally start regaining confidence and make up lost time in the job hunt.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I really need to break this early-morning bedtime thing. I really should have been asleep two hours ago.

I spent the better part of the past few hours fiddling around with my blog design, and I'm finally finished. The only thing I'm not feeling 100% about is the background, but that can easily be removed. I would also like to mention that the header and background were done in Paint, because I only use the highest quality programs when designing this blog.

Anyway, those of you reading in Google Reader should head on over to check it out.

~

While I'm a little late on talking about Michael Jackson's passing, I feel the need to say a few things. There are many people who cannot move past MJ's downfalls and appreciate the immense talent that this man had. While I acknowledge the scandal surrounding him, I am unable to deny his ability to mold pop music into what it is today.

I will love MJ's music forever and always. As a dancer, it's pretty hard not to. I have countless memories of past recital routines choreographed to his music, like singing along to "Smooth Criminal" and donning a fedora as I rehearsed to a dance I wasn't even in, simply because I loved the song. I remember learning to do the moonwalk correctly when we were learning gliding in hip hop class. When I heard my drill team captain play "The Way You Make Me Feel" and start making up our next routine, I was so thrilled to be dancing to one of my favorite songs of his. Every time I hear the familiar beat of one of his songs playing on my radio, I will absolutely turn it up and dance in my car.

Michael Jackson is a legend who will live on and be remembered forever through his music.

~

My friend posted this on her Facebook, and I am completely addicted to it. I cannot wait until this man gets the rights cleared so I can get this song on my iPod STAT.