torn.

I always tell people that I don't really recognize that everyone's getting older until I take a look at people who are younger than me. I definitely don't see it in my own life, but that's probably because I'm experiencing it, so it's hard to remember myself at different stages. It doesn't really hit me with people older than me, either.

But when I see my neighbors - my former babysitting clients - and am informed that the youngest is no longer in kindergarten but going to middle school next year, it's a bit of a shock. The same happened when my other neighbor got her license, or when I realize that my cousin is going to college next year. It catches me a little off guard.

On Saturday we had a graduation party for my cousin, Lynds. She's become such a different person lately, and although I can't really say I'm happy with all of it, she is such a determined individual. Her major? Education of the deaf and blind, with a concentration in sociology. Damn. She's always been awesome with kids and has always wanted to be a teacher, so that part doesn't come as a surprise. But to me, it takes a lot of courage and a special kind of person to branch out into teaching students with special needs.

That being said, I've been frustrated recently with the person she's become around her friends. Since we've always been really close, it's sometimes hard for me to realize she is only eighteen, and that she's going to go through different phases, especially in high school. It hurts because nine times out of ten, she chooses friends over family. She used to be all about family, but now she seems to find us boring. At family functions, she's always texting her friends, hoping to get away from the party early to go hang out with friends.

It wouldn't bother me as much if it weren't for all the pictures that pop up on Facebook that show me that she hasn't picked up the best of habits. It's not the drinking that gets to me, because I get that. Even though I didn't drink in high school, I'm not a Judgy McJudgerson about it. She has, however, picked up smoking. And well, I can't say I'm super happy about it. I've asked my friends, my brother, and my mom about it, and they all give me differing opinions.

My feeling on the matter is that it's a temporary thing. Whether that's me in denial or being extra hopeful, I keep telling myself that it's not something she is looking to continue. So, I've chosen not to say anything. I don't want to confront her about it only to be snapped at because I jumped to conclusions or am telling her what to do.

I feel so stuck, because outwardly, we still act like we're super close. However, I am completely aware (and she has to be, too) that we're not close at all anymore. She's turned into someone I can't relate to, and since she's too busy to hang out, we don't have any opportunity to really talk and connect anymore. I know nothing about her life because she knows I didn't do any of this stuff at her age, so she never really shares anything with me. She thinks I'm just the boring older cousin who wouldn't understand. It hurts more than I'd like to admit, but I feel like even if I explained it to her, nothing would change. She would understand what I'm saying and feel bad, and possibly try to arrange a few more hang-outs every month out of guilt, but it wouldn't really change her back to who she used to be.

So here I am, proud of who she is on the inside, unhappy about who she acts like on the outside, and crossing my fingers that she'll gain a little wisdom and maturity when she gets to college. Until then, I'll take from our friendship what I can get, even if it's only little bits and pieces right now.

A B+ ain't gonna kill ya.

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!

This is my first time participating in a blog carnival, and I must say, I was very excited to look back on old blog entries. After debating which blog to go with, I decided a blast from the past would be really interesting and fun. So without further delay, I present to you one of my very first blog entries, ever.

[Note: Content has been edited only grammatically and for spelling, because oh boy, was I a big fan of using chat-speak in my entries! To view the masterpiece in it's original form, you can head over here.]

~

November 7, 2002

Report cards ... my worst fears come true. Actually, not really. But you were worried, weren't you? Turns out that my worst grade was that B in English. What does that mean, you say!? That means that in everything else, I did great!!! RELIGION - A+ (only because I did the bulletin board for extra credit, hehe) ALGEBRA II, GEOMETRY, SPANISH - A DRIVER'S ED (which will change), CHEMISTRY - B+ ENGLISH - B (which is due to lack of trying) I think I did better than I thought I would. I only got a B in english because a couple of times, when we had an essay, we got a change to rewrite it and raise our grade, but I never did that so ... yeah. I hope everyone else did okay. There actually were top honors people, so I guess some people did alright in English. You know, I don't find high school that stressing. But some of my friends are making me feel really bad that I'm not stressed. You know what I mean? Although I think some people are just to get attention. Everyone is like, "omigosh I have so much work and stuff and I'm totally stressed," and so my natural reaction is "aww poor you, you must be really stressed." But then I think about it, and some of these people do the same things I do, except they try too hard and then stress out too much. That's what really bugs me. But that is probably just me, and there aren't too many people like that. I hope everyone did really great on their report cards, or at least appreciate and congratulate themselves on the grades they got. Just remember: a B+ ain't gonna kill ya.

~

All I can say is, I was such a critical little person, wasn't I? Yikes.

step one.

In reference to the last post, that is the LAST time I upload pictures using Blogger. That was a layout nightmare, and I'm just going to pretend it doesn't exist. I apologize for the poor aesthetics.

*

In an attempt to get out of my funk, I've decided to take control of the things that I can. While I can search for an apply to jobs, my joblessness is out of my hands for the most part. Instead, I'm focusing on my health and my surroundings first.

Since I've been sleeping strangely [read: nocturnally], I've had a lot of free time at weird hours. I can't really apply for jobs at 2am, so instead, I've been doing a complete overhaul on my room. I'm really bad at throwing things out, because I like to keep stupid things due to their ties to certain memories. For example, I still had my corsages from the two senior proms I attended... four years ago. They were in relatively good condition, and still looked pretty, so I said, "why not?" This time around, it suddenly occurred to me how silly it was to keep them (in a box under my bed, no less), so I threw them out. Needless to say, I've already filled up several garbage bags, and it feels really, really good.

I've also come to the conclusion that I'm finally putting my foot down about my sleeping, eating, and exercising habits. My body is obviously unhappy with me, but since I've been too busy moping around about joblessness and my lack of direction in life, I haven't cared to fix anything. Now I do, because I realize it's something that will only hinder me in the future when I finally get my first job. So what does this mean?

In terms of sleeping, I need to rework my before-bedtime schedule, set specific times to go to bed and get up, and end my relationship with the "ignore" button on my phone (which I use as my alarm clock). I'm also trying to think of a way to reorganize my room to fit a comfy chair, because right now the only places to sit are my bed and the folding chair I use at my desk. From what I've read, associating your bed with things other than sleep is a big no-no, so I need a place to sit while I watch TV, work on my laptop, and read.

My diet comes next, because it relies on me waking up and going to bed at the same times. I'll be setting specific times for meals and snacks, eating fruits and veggies as often as possible, and getting on a schedule of taking my probiotics every night so I can finally start feeling better.

All of this is going to be a major challenge because I'm the kind of person who loves seeing immediate results. When I don't, I feel like I've failed, and then I usually give up. Or, I don't start things until the conditions are just right. Basically, I'm an uber perfectionist. All of the things I'm working on are things that don't yield immediate results, so it's going to be difficult to keep up with all of it. Luckily I have the support of my friends, family, and especially The Boy to make sure I stick to it.

And the best part? This is only step one in the long journey to becoming a better me.

what i've been up to.

So aside from griping about life, putting off job searching, and doing a whole lot of sleeping... I had a bit a fun mixed in. Since it would create an incredibly long entry to detail each event, I present it to you in picture form! Huzzah!

*

First, I celebrated my last night on campus by taking a dip in the science complex fountain with The Boy.

I promise, I did go in the water. And then had awkwardly semi-wet shorts.























Him posing, under my photographic direction, of course.


















*

Then, I graduated!

First was the college-wide ceremony, which took place on the stadium field. It threatened to rain all morning, but finally the sun peeked out. Unfortunately, that also meant we were all sweating to death. Good thing the ceremony lasted just under an hour.

I had about an hour before my smaller ceremony for the School of Business, where I would receive my diploma [cover!]. That's right, no actual diploma was handed out, since they were still verifying we all passed. Heh. Of course, the majority of that hour was spend running into all my friends (who were scattered, since we all either had a department ceremony or reception to attend) and waiting in line for the bathroom.




One of the people I ran into was Melissa. I was glad, because the day was so chaotic and I wasn't sure I'd see anyone other than the people I planned to meet up with. Also, please notice my adorable pink pumps! It's all about the footwear on graduation day.























After our department ceremony, which took forever to finish up (damn all those finance majors!), I rushed around taking pictures with everyone. By then, almost everyone had cleared out of campus, and it felt a little anticlimactic for the end of the day.

I snapped a few pictures with my fellow accounting majors first. My closest friends and I make up a group of four crazy, hilarious people (one isn't pictured in this shot). We all stuck together because three of us are from the same hometown. I find it really crazy that we all picked the same college AND major. Weird.


















Next I put those pretty pink pumps to work and quickly walked to the Student Center to meet my Lady Lumps, who had waited patiently for me to take pictures.


















Finally I took some pictures with The Boy, the most patient of them all. (Note: He definitely looks way too geeky here. He doesn't normally look like that. He does, however, act as geeky as this picture makes him look. And if he's reading this... just kidding babe! He knows I'm joking. I hope.)


















*

The next day was my superawesomefantastic graduation party! It was absolutely amazing, but it flew by way too fast. I had to spend my time rotating from group to group, so I didn't get much time with anyone. I had a blast anyway.

These are my two best friends from dance, who are sisters. We jokingly refer to me as their real third sister, considering they have one who is my age and has my name.
















My entire crew - my freshmen, sophomore, and junior-year roommates and their boyfriends. These are the people who make up pretty much all of my memories from those years.


















Cutting the cake!


















On my dad's side of the family, it's become a tradition for all the kids to sit on the stairs and take pictures. Of course, it worked much better when we were tiny little things. Now we're all at least 5'5", so there's a lot less space. Here we have the ever-popular We're Done Smiling, Let's Take a Silly One picture. For the record, our ages now range from fifteen to twenty-three, so basically this will never get old.
























*

And finally, just a few weeks ago, my baby cousin went to her senior prom! I can't tell you how old I felt just thinking about how long ago my prom was. She looked absolutely gorgeous, I was stunned. I mean, she's always pretty, but she looked so grown up in her dress with her hair and makeup done.

We're pretty much more like sisters than cousins. I was totally directing traffic in terms of making sure her dad was around for every picture she wanted, and to make sure her parents didn't totally embarass her.


















I love this candid I took, because it shows off her amazing dress. Isn't it stunning?























Her and her date, looking adorable. They're just friends though - they've known each other since kindergarten.
























So that's where I've been all this time. Hope you enjoyed!

and now, a really long rant about life.

[Long, rant-y vent ahead. You've been warned.]

I don't like change*. Like, really. I'd go as far as saying I despise it.

I know most people aren't fans of change. Nobody likes things to be different, for chapters of their lives to close and be done with forever. New things are exciting, fun in their own way, and will eventually seem normal. I get it. But the part right before things settle in, when you're staring at the gap between you and what's next and you're not sure you can make it if you jump? That's where I am. And I'm afraid.

Graduating college has ended a part of my life I didn't realize would end. To be honest, I spent most of my time not acting my age - I was acting younger. I spent my high school years avoiding the typical teenager behavior because I was hanging out with people younger than me, specifically my four-years-younger cousin. Going through college was a similar experience. The group of friends I acquired spent more Friday and Saturday nights not at frat parties getting drunk, but watching movies and talking until 5am.

Up until now, I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed my high school and college experiences, even if they weren't what you'd call "typical." But looking back now, as I try to understand my dissatisfaction with my current life, I feel like I somehow missed out. In those moments, I didn't have any urge to go out and party. I had no scandalous prom weekend, where I snuck away from the careful eyes of my parents and drank myself silly. Not once did I drink before I was 21, nor did I even attend a party before last summer. And at the time, I didn't care.

Somehow, that's changed, and now I really, really do care. I feel like I'm behind, like I want to do things after the opportunities have passed. A big part of it is probably that I spent so much time with my younger cousin. She just had her prom and prom weekend, and for some reason I'm finding myself incredibly jealous. My prom was nothing like hers, and there was no trip down the shore afterwords for me. She's heading off to college next fall, and to be honest, that's right where I wish I could be in my life.

It's so frustrating to feel this way, to feel like I did high school and college completely wrong. I know I had fun while I did it, I really do. But sitting here, right now, I feel like I had no fun at all.

Change has totally knocked me off my feet, and I hate it. Not only have I graduated college with a less-than-stellar GPA in a less-than-stellar economy, but I missed my chance to secure a job through the school. They make it so easy for my major, but since I was going through a crisis about what I wanted to do, my grades slipped and I'm stuck without a job.

What does a girl need when moving from one phase of life to another? Girlfriends! Guess where mine are? Nowhere to be found. Everyone is so busy with their lives, and I seem to be the only one bumming around my house and doing nothing. My younger cousin, my so-called "best friend," has changed into someone I don't even know anymore, and it's hurting my heart. Sure, we exchange heartfelt gifts and words, but it's been a good year or more since we last sat down and actually talked. My college friends are scattered throughout, all busy with their jobs or continued schooling. I've barely spoken to my two best friends in the past few months since they both graduated early.

On top of all that, I can't keep my sleeping and eating habits under control, so my stomach problems rage on with no relief in sight. This makes me reluctant to spend time with anyone or do anything because I end up becoming a nervous wreck and making my stomach worse. So I confine myself to my house, opening myself up only to company of The Boy because he understands my situation the best. And what good does that do me? I'm almost positive that a handful of my friends (if not all of them) think I'm isolating myself and choosing to spend time only with him. My lack of communication with almost everyone is unsettling to me, and most of the time I feel like I've been abandoned.

It's just really difficult feeling so unstable, especially when I feel like I have no support. It's a terrible, terrible experience to feel not only unsure of yourself, but also of your friendships. All I want is things to go back to the way they were in junior year, when I was happy and healthy and enjoying my life.

But I can't. And it sucks. Because I have no idea when anything's going to get any better.

*I'm not talkin' Obama-type change. That change is good times. Obama change, FTW!