strongest senses.

[Note: I actually wrote this entry over a week ago, but my wireless at home is crap and it shut out JUST as I was going to post. And then I forgot to every post it. Better late than never, I guess.]

It is so very true that sounds and smells are the strongest triggers for memories.

It's early in the morning; I haven't slept yet. My room is a shade of purple, photos hung on the walls, random papers and books strewn about the floor and dressers. I'm typing at my laptop, working on end-of-the-semester nonsense projects.

And the birds are chirping.

Not all of them are familiar, but almost. The same sing-song chirp every few seconds from one bird, the constant warbly-like chirp from another. My first thought is to roll my eyes at the fact that this means I really should have been sleeping already. But then I close my eyes and I can remember back to hearing those chirping birds year after year.

I can remember my bright pink room, where there was no television or laptop or internet connection. Waking up to the sound of these birds, on a weekend like this, I would hop out of bed and have bagels for breakfast before spending the rest of the day out in the sun.

Or maybe I remember walking down the street and waiting for my bus on the very first day of high school, my uniform feeling foreign but special. My nerves and excitement twisted my stomach in knots, but the cool summer morning breeze relaxed me as the bus pulled up.

~

The other day I noticed I have a nostalgic affinity for cigarettes. My grandparents on my dad's side, my nana and pop-pop, were heavy smokers. They passed away thirteen and fifteen years ago, respectively. Almost all of my memories of them are completely gone, save for any I can conjure up when watching home videos or flipping through photo albums.

But wouldn't you know it, every time I pass somebody smoking a cigarette, I think of them. Not only that, but sometimes I crave more, almost enjoying the scent. It comes back to feeling comforted by that smell, which is somewhat unfortunate. Because they smoked so heavily, they constantly smelled of it, and that's what I subconsciously have programmed in my mind.

~

Smell is such a powerful memory-inducer, and I have THE MOST unusual story to back it up. This past Christmas, my mother bought candles to use as a centerpiece. They supposedly smelled of bayberry, according to the label. But one afternoon as I passed by the dining room, I caught a strong whiff, and immediately identified the scent as belonging to my uncle. I should mention that this uncle divorced my aunt, who is my mother's sister, so we don't see much of him anymore. I was basing this off of holiday gatherings from years ago. My mother refused to believe me, as did the rest of my family. I, however, was very sure of myself.

Christmas Eve came and was celebrated at my house with my mother's side of the family, and at dinner the discussion turned to the candles in the centerpiece. Despite the knowledge that I was going to sound pretty weird, I said, "you know what they smell like? Uncle Bill." And in fact, I got exactly the reaction I expected - an awkward almost-silence. That is until my cousin - this uncle's younger daughter - picked up one of them, smelled it, and said, "yeah, definitely, you're right."

It's pretty interesting to experience the smell or sound memory triggers for myself, although that last story is a combination of that and my uncanny memory for really, really random things. I recently was able to list off the names of all of the kids of my parents' friends, most of whom I met ONCE when I was very young, and could pretty much describe how we spent our time with each family. So that's the kind of information my brain deems important as opposed to all the school-related information I try to stuff in there for finals. Thanks, brain.

stuck.

I keep trying to come up with fun and exciting things to write about, but then I realize that my life is pretty mundane at the moment. To top that off, I have this unwavering feeling of being completely lost right now.

Throughout college, I've struggled with what I want to do. I stuck with accounting somewhat unwillingly, because I was told time and again that it is a useful major and can lead me to several job opportunities. It's difficult, however, because my school just assumed that all accounting majors are going to work for public firms and eventually earn their CPA certification.

Recently I've tossed the idea around my head a million times. Originally I refused to take it, knowing that I was not disciplined enough to study for a five-part, multi-hour test. Then when I started seriously looking for jobs last semester, all my interviews were with public firms who won't hire you if you're not eventually going to be certified. So, in a panic, I considered it and told these companies that I would be studying over the summer and completing the test next fall. WHAT?!

It was mostly out of necessity, and if public accounting is the only door open for me right now, then I will still need to take it completely out of necessity. What irks me, though, is that public seems to be the only open avenue. I would be much happier working within the accounting department of the company itself, not as an outside auditor. It's the difference between actually working with accounts and transactions or just being the person to look over all that stuff. I barely like checking over my own work, never mind someone else's.

On top of ALL THAT, the nagging voice in my mind and heart is constantly telling me I don't really want to be doing this, at all. I feel trapped. I have all this creativity running through me, but nowhere to channel it. All my dream jobs - wedding planner, party planner, interior designer/home stager, owner of some kind of cute craft/candy/cupcake shop, dance school owner - seem so daunting and unreachable. Despite earning a degree in accounting, which I understand is very useful and could actually help me in some of these dream jobs, I feel like I've wasted a substantial amount of time and energy. I wish I had realized sooner my true aspirations, so I could have better catered to them in terms of schooling and training.

Unfortunately, I don't really have the choice to be picky right now, because the job market is just terrible. So I'm stuck applying for office jobs, and not even having much luck with that.

moving on.

There's nothing like eating semi-thawed frozen blueberries out of a coffee mug to signal the end of the semester. See, I bought this bag of frozen blueberries, thinking I would make subsequent purchases of vanilla yogurt with which to mix them. What I've failed to mention is that I'm pretty sure I bought these blueberries on my very first grocery shopping trip of the year. Not the semester, the whole damn year. So for six months, they've been staring me in the face every time I open the freezer hoping for amazing food to appear. And every time, I look at them wistfully, wishing I had some vanilla yogurt so I could just freaking eat them already.

But this time I gave up. Maybe I'll get yogurt next shopping trip, maybe I won't. Until then, I'll eat them on their own. They're not bad, but it's just... unsatisfying.

In other news, today I had a visit from Lyndsay and her family as she continued her quest to decide on a college. And guess what? She made her decision today in the middle of the school bookstore. I gotta hand it to her, she was really sneaky about it. After wandering off to peruse the clothes, she returned with a t-shirt, went up to her mother, and said, "so, should I get this one or the pink one?" I didn't see this happen, I only know that's what she did because then she did the same thing to me. And I'm pretty sure I was way too happy for her. I may have squealed. And bounced around. Or, as some may prefer to call it, jumped around. In the middle of the greeting card aisle. IN PUBLIC. Okay sorry.

Anyway, I'm beyond excited that she's coming to my soon-to-be alma mater. [Side note - it's only an alma mater after you leave, right? Let's go with that.] I get to help her a little bit better because I know the ins and outs of the school, and now I have an excuse to come back and visit. Hooray!

Unforunately, I am not having as much success moving on to the next aspect of my life. No job yet, although I'm still semi-actively looking. Which means I'm being lazy but planning on tackling more opportunities this upcoming week. It's hard, but I'm trying to stay hopeful. I know the job market is pretty rough, but I'm crossing my fingers that something will finally slip into place.

I really just wish I were in Lyndsay's position - I'd give anything to stay in college for four more years and find a job in a better market with better grades. But I can't. So, I've got no choice but to put up a really good fight.