drizzama.

Does somebody want to tell me why I let myself be sucked into drama caused by Myspace?

I put up a Truth Box. You can probably guess the premise - leave anonymous comments to your friends. What's in mine? A single, lonesome comment, that says something along the lines of, "you've become to boring for me."

I know who it's from. Well, I don't truly know, but I know. There's only one person who this can really apply to, and only one person who's on Myspace enough to fill this out. And it really sucks because this person is somebody very, very close to me.

My first reaction was that weird, shameful hurt, like when you can't believe someone could really insult you like that. Then I immediately decided I didn't care. Or at least I pretended I didn't. The problem is, the little message pops into my brain every couple of days, and I just get angry.

This person has become someone I never thought she would be. She was always a social butterfly compared to me, but our friendship was separate from that. At least, that's what I thought was true. It turns out, now that it's senior year, partying and spending time with people who like to party are the only important things. I got left in the dust. My parents always told me our friendship would end up like this, but I liked to believe (and to a small extent still do believe) that this person is a kind person at heart, and that she's just letting life get the best of her right now.

I understand her wanting to live her life the way she does, and she's entitled to it. I may judge internally, at times, but I'm careful to always be supportive. Somewhere along the way, though, I think she felt I just "didn't get" the stuff she did, that since I never do any of it, I don't want to hear about or take part in it. Therefore, I get labeled as "boring." She stopped telling me things, didn't elaborate on stories like her first (PG) hook-up, the parties she went to, etc. The texts became less frequent. She was never available for anything except breakfast or lunch dates on weekends. Even at get-togethers, she was always preoccupied with the upcoming nights' events, texting friends and acting detached from the rest of the group.

What hurts is that she chose to judge my life. Could it be argued that, at this point in time, her life is more exciting, more fun than mine? I certain ways, yes. She's enjoying senior year, while I'm paying for my laziness and working extra hard to get my grades up. I won't deny that her life is pretty exciting right now, but there really isn't any need for the judgment call on what I do with my time.

I don't have much choice but to hold my tongue, regardless of how much I want to tell her that I'm really disappointed in the person she's become. It's one thing to have fun, to go out and live the "party" life. In fact, I like going out, too - I just don't really have the opportunities that she does. But to then judge a friend, a close friend, just because they don't fit into the lifestyle that's been adopted - that's just simply immature.

I know that deep down, this person is a caring, kind soul. I feel that because of this, for so long she felt she was always doing things to please other people, and finally decided to do only the things that made her happy. In the process, instead of finding a balance of making herself AND others happy, she went from one end of the spectrum to the other. She decided that she'd do what she wanted even if it hurt others. I guess I just ended up being one of those others.

you don't even really need to read this.

Does somebody want to tell me why, even at six and seven in the morning, Food Network still has infomercials on, and not quality shows with my favorites? I'm disappointed.

My body is currently rebelling against me because, um, I like to eat crap food all day long. But here's the problem - my digestive health has gotten progressively worse over the past year, something I ignored using what most would refer to as this weird thing called "denial." Who knew? Anyway, it seems that just eating better and drinking more fluids isn't helping. What does this mean? There's probably a doctor's visit in my future. My reaction to that? Well, let's just say I'm trying my hardest to not throw a tantrum.

I was afraid this was going to happen, for many reasons. The main two are these: one, this means there could be something Seriously Wrong; two, I'll probably have to undergo some Very Unpleasant Tests. BLAH. Of course, these two things are a result of my tendency to worry about everything and assume the worst, but it isn't looking super great. And yeah, I know it's worth it to get it checked out and get treatment if there's a problem, but... I don't wanna! See? The tantrum, it's trying to come out.

The annoying part of it all is that I feel fine most of the time, it's just when I have to use the bathroom that I feel absolutely awful. Plus, my mom has similar problems and, after she was put through the battery of tests to rule everything out, basically they just said to incorporate more fiber into her diet and drink more liquids. Honestly? I don't feel like going through all that to have it be the same thing she's got.

And now that I've basically shared way more information than I'm sure you ever wanted to read... um... it's snowing! Again! Right, that's not exciting, now is it?

[Also? Just checked Food Network.. stupid infomercial for the Cricut! Which I won't allow myself to watch because I want it so bad, but I can't afford it.]

the obligatory resolutions post.

It seems as though I've forgotten to make my resolutions for 2009. This could be attributed to many things, namely, the harrowing events that went down with The Boy or possibly my affinity to sleep and not think about anything serious, ever.

In the past, I've set very general goals. This has led to allowing myself a ton of leeway in accomplishing them and, because they're not specific, I could probably say I achieved mine from last year. Not this year.

This year I'm hoping to come up with a handful of specific, but not ultra-specific goals. I can't be as broad as "being healthy," but I refuse to say "I will work out __ days a week." Let's see what I come up with.

1. Cut back on and potentially stop drinking diet soda.
I have developed an addiction to diet soda. I don't need it constantly, but there are times when I crave that taste specifically. Most people don't understand how someone can like diet soda... I guess I'm just weird special that way.

2. Treat my face better.
My discipline when it comes to specific hygiene regimens, like washing my face properly every night, is very weak. Also? I pick at my face. It's gross, but I have strange OCD tendencies with things like that: I feel the urge to scratch and pick at every little bump and scar. Meanwhile, putting my oily fingers all over my face is definitely not helping, either. So! No more picking, more washing on a daily basis with cleanser and toner.

3. Eat. More. FIBER.
As if face-picking wasn't gross enough for you, this post is quickly turning into TMI material. My family hasn't had the best digestive health, and yours truly has developed a myriad of stomach troubles. Recently it has become painfully (literally) obvious that I'm really not doing anything to remedy these problems. Basically, I eat crap food all day long, don't worry about getting enough fiber or fruits and veggies, and I KNOW I don't drink enough liquids. All this is bad news for my tummy, which becomes angrier with me each passing day.

4. Exercise, let's say, at least twice a week.
Okay, I already don't know how this one will turn out. I'm hoping that my fallout with exercise last semester was due to difficult courses and spending all my free time with The Boy and my friends. I know, two days a week sounds like a low bar to set, but keep in mind that I walk around campus all day, so I'm getting some exercise daily.

5. Save more of my money.
Whenever I have money I spend it almost immediately. I rarely take money from my savings, but at the same time, I rarely put any in. Considering I'll be a real person in a few short months, I figure I should probably get started on saving more of my money.

6. Keep track of where my money goes.
I'm really bad at this. My problem is I'm a perfectionist, and an accountant. What does that mean? Everything must balance! To the penny! Debits equal credits! Ahh! Yes, I will record how much change I have in my wallet, and in the past when I've kept track of my money, I've gotten frustrated in the process of missing five or ten cents once everything's written out.

7. Finally sell some gently-used items on Ebay.
I've got a random video game, Trivial Pursuit: 90's Edition, and a gymnastics mat that I've been holding onto and meaning to sell forever. Why haven't I gotten around to it? I'm not really sure. My mom's worried about putting our real address on Ebay (yet she has no problem if I put in on Craigslist.. wtf, mom?), I'm just really lazy in general, and I think I've convinced myself that nobody wants this crap. Problem is, the video game and board game really haven't been used much at all. They're things I bought, tried, and realized I hated. I don't feel like selling them for a few dollars at a garage sale or, even worse, simply throwing them out.

8. Get on the dean's list this semester.
Lofty goal? Possibly. This may change depending on how difficult my two 400-level courses are, but I'm working on my confidence, sucking it up and saying I can do this.

9. Read more.
When it comes down to it, I really do enjoy reading. Novels we read for school were never a chore to get through, even though my friends would sometimes have horrible reactions to certain ones. The problem is, I don't know what books to read. I desperately need suggestions - got any for me? I'm looking for anything, from the classics to some really good books by current authors. (And, before anyone says it, I really don't have any desire to read Twilight. Sorry to disappoint, but there's been way too much hype now, and I've come to just hate the idea of it.)

10. Get a job.
Seems like a "duhhhhh," but I've gotta put it down.

So those are my "top ten" resolutions, if you may. I'm sure there are more, but these are the important ones.

birthday princess.

Today, I turn 22 (well, turned, if we wanna get technical). My friend said, "congratulations! You've now turned the first age where birthdays don't matter anymore." It's true, isn't it? I mean, all I've got from here until forever are the milestones. Oh well.. I love my birthday regardless of whatever age I'm turning.

In honor of my birthday, here's something I've seen a few other bloggers do - 22 truths about myself. They're pretty random, ranging from random facts about life in general to things that happened this year. Enjoy!

22 Truths

1. After fourteen years of biting my nails, I think I’m finally going to completely kick the habit.

2. Not having a boyfriend until age twenty-one was a bit sucky at times, but it was totally worth it waiting for him.

3. I’m addicted to watching Food Network. I heart Alton Brown, would gladly have Bobby Flay’s babies, and think Sandra Lee is a total lush.

4. Looking back at my college experience, I realize that I grew a lot and I am really proud of myself for it.

5. After listening to the new Britney Spears CD for the past two weeks, I JUST figured out the meaning behind the song “If U Seek Amy.”

6. Ice skating in Rockefeller Center was definitely worth waiting in line for two and a half hours in the freezing cold.

7. I just finished redecorating my room so it finally stopped looking like it belongs to a ten year old.

8. Every once in a while, I pull all my prom and formal dresses out of my closet and try them on.

9. I really, really, really miss dancing.

10. Driving long distances, like the hour ride to and from school, is my best alone time.

11. My boyfriend has the best recipe for nachos.

12. I am totally obsessed with cupcakes, and will actually be making some for my birthday (strawberry cake with vanilla icing!).

13. The reason I love Tinkerbell is because she’s cute, quiet, and sometimes goes unnoticed… but she’s a sassy bitch. Just like me!

14. “Smart People” was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. My high school friends and I (known as the ‘smart’ lunch table) rented it because we thought it’d be fitting; we all thought it was terrible.

15. When I was little, I always wished I needed glasses. Now I’m happy abut my really good vision.

16. I really want to get back into reading, now that I might actually have time this semester. Any book suggestions?

17. The only big secret that I’ve kept from my parents is when I took a trip to Connecticut to see the So You Think You Can Dance? Season 2 tour for a second time. I know, I'm such a rebel.

18. After trying it for the first time, I found out I was allergic to soy milk. Which kinda sucks, because I really liked it.

19. My favorite part of my birthday is reading and replying to my Facebook wall posts and Myspace comments.

20. Online shopping makes me happy, even if I don’t end up buying most of the stuff I put in my cart.

21. This year defined a lot of my friendships, separating the strong ones from the weaker ones.

22. My favorite meal (that my mama is making for dinner) is ramen noodles with peas and chicken. It’s delish, probably because I love all three of those things separately.

my 2008, in review.

2008 is over, and damn was it a good year. Amazing, even. Let's review, shall we? I know you're shaking with anticipation. I can feel it. I'm cool that way.

January started with ringing in the new year with my lovely Lady Lumps. We celebrated at Danielle's house by drinking sparkling cider, playing the notecard game, and eating copious amounts of food prepared by Danielle and her mom. Next up was my twenty-first birthday, and what did I do to celebrate this monumental event, this transition into adulthood and walking through the doorway of Legal Drinking?! ...I went ice skating. Because I'm really a ten-year-old, not twenty-one. ANYway, I did start drinking this year - I had wine coolers with my family on my actual birthday (rebel, I know). Since then I've tried fruity drinks at dinners out with friends, Bacardi with cranberry and orange juice (yum!), self-mixed margaritas with the Lady Lumps, light beer with the familia, and my newbestfriend, Smirnoff Ice. Keep in mind that my reference to "drinking" means... indulging in one or two drinks every couple of weeks, and actually, I have yet to really even get buzzed, nevermind drunk. Mainly because I'm really adverse to the whole vomiting thing. So instead I'm super cautious and won't go past like, two drinks in one night. BUT MOVING ON.

February was the beginning of my interest in the election. I figured I should probably get informed, considering it would be my first time voting in a presidential election. My decision to support Obama grew stronger as the election process went on, and I'm glad to have gotten involved. Valentine's Day was fun regardless of it being another year without a valentine - Danielle, Melissa and I ordered Italian food, had sparkling cider, ate chocolate covered strawberries, and cried ridiculously over watched Waitress. Rehearsals for my very last dance competition were getting underway and stressing! me! out! I actually forgot about that whole ordeal ... probably for my own good, seeing as I was so pissed off.

March brought along my final dance competition, which was sad for many reasons. One, it was the last one. Two, I really wasn't at my best, even though I felt like I'd been improving for the past few years. Three, the whole crew wasn't there to share it. It was a real let-down in the end, just because of my lackluster performance and the stress outweighing the fun. Then what? Oh yes. My oh-so-fun experience that involved a crush on my close friend, a SUPER LAME confession of my feelings for him, and the eventual let down and confusing non-explanation. Sounds fun, right!? Anyway, by this time I thought it was over, and I was moving on.. but then I thought all over again that he really did like me and got way confused. Good thing I moved on anyway, cause um.. he really didn't like me that way. Awk-kward. Oh! And this was also the beginning of Super Awkward Roommate Drama. Fun! ...not.

April. Ohhh, April. I went to my very first real nightclub to see Carnival, which is a semi-annual choreographer's ball. It was amazingly fun. I felt so grown up going into the city, showing my ID, getting my hand stamped, and sitting in the VIP section to watch the performers. I participated in Relay for Life again, and of course the following day happened to be when Lynds and her family were touring my school. So, I gave them the "unofficial" campus tour and was really excited to show them my townhouse. I'm pretty sure this is when I got through my first successful stint of not biting my nails.. which eventually failed. But! It was the farthest I'd ever gotten. Hm.. there was a lot of stress about getting end-of-the-semester work and studying done, and a TON of things to do for RHA. Speaking of which, we hosted an AMAZING carnival on a GORGEOUS day - it was the best one out of my three years of participating. It just went flawlessly, and we were all really happy with the event and the job we'd done. And wow, I totally forgot that Danielle invited Natalie and I to the EMS formal, where we danced the night away. Seriously. We were the only ones on the dance floor, from bascially after the awards were handed out until it was time to leave. I had a blast. And who knew what would eventually come out of that one night... hmmm, is the suspense killing you!? No?! Well you're no fun. What I'm talking about is, of course, The Boy. A week or two after the formal, Danielle comes back from a study group with him and tells me this unbelievable story about how Boy chased after her when she left and asked if I wanted to date him. And I just about died because it was just about the cutest thing ever, and it was happening to me. Yay, boyfriend!

May was when the relationship between The Boy and I really developed. The month started off with the anxiousness of really getting a chance to know him (we called it pre-dating.. how cute are we?!), which was piled on top of stress over finals. I finished up my junior year of college, and moved out of the townhouse. It was so bittersweet, because that year was definitely the best in terms of all-around experiences. We had so much fun in that house, and I always wish we could go back to that. I went clubbing with my dancers as soon as I was done with school, which was hilarious and a wonderful bonding experience. Of course, I think that was when I found out Barb was moving to Vegas, and I was seriously bummed. I spent more time talking to The Boy (and introduced him here as "A Boy," teehee), and set goals for the summer. We celebrated my parents' twenty-fifth anniversary with a little party, which coincided with a nasty cold that left me exhausted after I spent the whole day rushing around to decorate and keep everyone happy.

June brought on a lot of social events and its share of drama. I met up with all my roommates again, filled everyone in on The Boy, and also really started to get comfortable with him. I got to spend time with him in the comfort of my house and over at his house, which were one-on-one situations. I went clubbing in NYC with my friends for Katrina's twenty-first, which turned out to be tons of fun, even if she did take only about and hour before she was done for the night. Sadly, we had our final dance recital. It was my first and only year to perform a solo, and Ashley, Cortney and I performed a tribute which consisted of choregraphy from the various memorable routines. The night before was spent stressing, mixing music, and spending hours upon hours working out seating arrangements. In the end, it was a lot of fun, and I finally had my Lady Lumps and Lyndsay there to see what I can really do. Mostly they see me goofing around, but they got the chance to see me in my element, and that made me really happy. The drama turned up when I had to pick between sleeping over at Lynds's shorehouse after her brother's graduation party, or going to see The Boy on a spur-of-the-moment invite to his sister's grad party. I made the awful decision, and ended up with The Boy. Was it worth it? Yes, because in the end.. I got my very first kiss. It was just what every first kiss should be - incredibly, adorably awkward. Of course, immediately after that we had a Big Discussion about religion and ended up on a "break," which I put in quotations because it really didn't last.

July. Um.. mainly uneventful? The Boy took his MCATS for the first of two times. My boss moved. Is that really noteworthy? Not really. I went for my annual visit to Lynds's shorehouse, and got really sunburnt. But! I ended up with a totally semi-noticable tan.

August had me striving to be healthier - I was walking every couple of days, stretching and doing crunches a lot, and trying really hard to eat healthy. It really didn't last, but.. it was good while it did! That counts, right? I went to my very first concert with the dancers and Natalie. We saw Sara Bareilles, Maroon 5, and about five minutes of Counting Crows before we decided we didn't really care and that we were hungry. Isabella, my dance teacher's adorable little girl, turned three, and we had a really fun time eating Ariel cake at her party. After a bit of a hair dilemma, I got it cut shorter than usual and got bangs! Yay, bangs! Can you tell that I! Love! Bangs! Ahem. I also went to the dentist for the first time in two years, and got freaked the fuck out when he told me I had four cavities, needed my wisdom teeth out, and required gum surgery. I almost cried. That weekend I went down the shore again to take part in the blockparty that was happening, which had a fun Christmas theme. Lynds, myself, and her other friend all wore the same colors and had tons of fun walking up and down the block, pigging out, and eventually dancing the night away and sweating our asses off. It was the absolute perfect ending to summer. I went back to school, "caught up" with The Boy (what?! We hadn't seen each other all summer save for like, four times. Don't judge!), and started the Semester from Hell.

September. I was really seriously about kicking academic ass, and was doing so even if it meant staying up super late to finish homework instead of my previous tendency to just blow it off. Also, I started the school year with some scary throat rash, which ended up being some weirdo virus that went away a week later. I always come down with crazy things. The Boy had his twenty-second birthday, only to find out he hadn't done as well as he'd hoped on his MCATS. We dealt with that disappointment and his subsequent breakdown, and also with the drama that went down with visiting Danielle at med school. As I settled into classes, I also settled into applying for interviews and going on them. Eep! It was scary, but I got through them, unfortunately with no luck.

October brought about some freak-outs. The combination of the stress from my classes, my lack of sleep, spending a ton of time with The Boy and not that much with anyone else eventually wore me down, to the point where I was going home in the middle of the week. I dealt with some big mistakes I was making in terms of managing my time. I went to the So You Think You Can Dance! Season 4 Tour with Katrina, and had a blast as always. Halloween was spent at Melissa's house, where I dressed as a cat and The Boy was a Love Doctor. Yeah, yeah, cheesy. I know. I know.

November's shining moment was the election, a pivotal moment in history. I was so extremely excited by it - when the results were announced, I could hear cheers and screaming all across campus. I cried as Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech, and just felt incredibly excited to be involved in this whole thing. The next day, I found out that a friend from middle school, who I had still seen recently through other friends, had committed suicide. My friends, which ranged from old hometown friends who I hadn't spoken to in years to highschool friends who I still keep in touch with, and I all attended the wake, which was extremely depressing. We were all in shock and spent the evening reminicsing and comforting one another. Thanksgiving came late, and I spent a relaxing day with family. The Boy and I bargain shopped until 5am Thanksgiving day for a digital camera, webcams, and other various electronics.

December flew by. I studied for and took finals. I celebrated the end of the semester at various times with all my friends - attending our school's holiday party with Katrina, venting about accounting finals and hanging out with the guys, and watching the Hills with Natalie and drinking boxed wine with her and her roomies. The Boy and I had our six-month anniversary, even after a bunch of ups and downs. My first week of break was dedicated to shopping and prepping for the holidays, which went by in a blur. Christmas Eve and Day were held here at my house, and every ounce of energy was poured into baking, making appetizers, wrapping and presenting gifts, and taking ridiculous pictures with Lyndsay. Monday was Arun's birthday party, Tuesday was my very first official trip into New York City, and I rung in the New Year at home with my family.

So here we are! 2009. When you're in school, whenever you start, the year you graduate seems so far away. When I started high school, 2005 sounded so foreign. In college, 2009 sounded even stranger. But here it is, and in a few short months, I'll be done with college and done with school. That's really scary.

I hope to find some energy to type up a blog about my NYC experience, which was amazing but ended on a super dramatic note. For now, I've gotta get to sleep. I seriously didn't plan on spending this much time on this blog, and now.. it's, um, 5am. SLEEP, PLZ.